Title: The Beast of Gantu
Genre: NA/Adventure
Pitch:
Brynna and Erling are Norin’s elite sniper team. They are undercover, slaves to the enemy, attempting to steal the rifle that will turn the tide of the war. When Erling is shot, Brynna refuses to call off the mission; instead, she forms an alliance with a fellow officer and Marcus, a local glasswright. As the three struggle to procure the rifle and the men vie for Brynna’s attention, Brynna encounters the horror left in the wake of the Beast of Gantu. She determines to kill the Beast and prove the capability of the rifle. Her hunt forces her to grapple with her motives, but just when she learns to stand on her own, a heart-rending betrayal drives her to the edge of her strength where she must decide where her loyalties lie.
First sentence:
Marcus leaned on the porch rail, breathing deeply, and welcomed the breeze after the stuffy warmth of the tavern.
My main comment has to do with the amount of names introduced. I have heard that it is a good idea to limit the number of characters in a pitch to one or two. Other than that, I think the premise is interesting. Congrats on the contest win!
ReplyDeleteI would read it. I think this will be interesting it.
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept here. I get a real sense of the urgency and suspense you've woven into the story. But the pitch is a bit frantic for me and yes, full of a lot of names. I think if you zero in on your main character a little more that will help clarify things. Sometimes the standard formula works. Introduce main character, tell us what they want, tell us what the obstacles are, and tell us what the consequences are if they don't succeed. I feel like I'm getting a peek at the awesome here, but only a peek. Peel back the plot layers a little and show us what the story is really about, and this will come roaring to life. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kimberly. I'd like you to pull back the layers here and show us more. More emotion, more about your character and the potential romance and more about what this war really means.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great concept for NA so its got great potential, it just needs a little more spark
What I like: Brynna seems like the kick-ass character NA needs.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: I lot of characters are introduced but I need to be more invested. Perhaps narrow your focus a bit to help us care about Brynna.
Great job!