Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #88: WORDS IN THE WINDOWSILL

Title:  WORDS IN THE WINDOWSILL

Genre: NA Historical Fiction/Time Travel

Pitch:
  
After discovering the manuscript for a mysterious symphony, self-proclaimed "Lady's Man" Hans Meyer takes off for Germany in the name of research.  When a strange text shows up on his cell about a Time Train, offering Hans the inside track to discovery, curiosity buys him a ticket to ride and he is dropped off in Vienna, 1820.  Hans’ research takes an unexpected turn when he and his Viennese sweetheart, Analeise, discover love letters holed up within the windowsill of his bedchamber.  These letters explain a secret about the mysterious manuscript that has eluded history books, and when Hans brings Analeise and the information back to the 21st century, he finds that the future, and his place in it, has been altered.  He must find a way to rewrite the past, but that might mean losing the one girl that has actually stolen his heart.


First sentence:  

With my right foot planted on the piano’s sustain pedal, the final notes of “Piano Man” dissipated under the laughter at The Tavern. 

21 comments:

  1. The pitch was confusing. What does this manuscript have to do with him? Does he usually do research on this kind of thing or is it special? I guess I just don't get the "why" yet. And his "sweetheart" kind of comes out if no where. Was she there the whole time or did he meet her in the past?

    Just needs some more clarity.

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    1. Thanks, Stacey. The real challenge is giving enough info in the pitch! I appreciate the feedback and your taking the time to comment.

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  2. I've seen this pitch before and I still love it. I'd focus more on the lost manuscript/time travel aspect of it because that's what makes it unique. Maybe start with the mysterious stranger who offers him the ticket on the train? The first line doesn't seem to match the query. Good luck!!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by my entry, Kathleen! I appreciate the ideas!

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  3. Perhaps get to what's at stake quicker. I don't think we need to all this "When a strange text shows up on his cell about a Time Train, offering Hans the inside track to discovery, curiosity buys him a ticket to ride and he is dropped off in Vienna, 1820." Just tell us he goes back to 1820. Unexpected turn is a bit vague. With that being said I like your concept.

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    1. I appreciate the comments. It is always a challenge to keep the pitch tight and give enough info at the same time!

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  4. This sounds great!

    Like others before me, I'd also like a little more context for Hans's involvement with the manuscript, and for Analeise's arrival in his life. I'm not sure the details of where he finds the letters are important at this stage, either. I'm sure the manuscript provides a solid reason why he happens to inhabit a room with clear ties to the symphony he's investigating, but this detail feels extraneous and a bit confusing in the pitch. You need more information to make it relevant, which bumps up your word count and risks impeding the flow.

    I do like the ticket to ride bit, though. It gives us a nice sense of your manuscript's tone.

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    1. Thank you for the comments!

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  5. I agree with all above and really do love the premise...it seems pretty original to me. I would definitely want to read your first pages!!

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    1. I am so happy that my story sounds interesting to you. I appreciate that you stopped by to comment!

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  6. Great comments above, and a great concept and first line. This is a story that shouts, "Read me!" It's unique and compelling and I hope we get to see you in the next round because I want to read the whole first page! :)

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    1. Hi Kim, and thanks so much for commenting on my entry! It is so gratifying to get such a positive reaction from a reader!

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  7. I love the sensations you create in your opening line. Good luck!

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    1. Jess, What a wonderful compliment! Thank you!

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  8. I agree with what the others have said, and I'm a huge sucker for time-travel romances--so I think this would be a fun read! Love how you draw music and mystery in as well. Best of luck!

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    1. Thanks so much for the kind words and for the confidence boost! I appreciate the time you took to comment, too.

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  9. I love this and I've read parts of this as a CP. I like the "ticket to ride" part in the query and details like that are part of your voice throughout your MS.

    I would like to know a bit more about Analeise and how she fits into the story.

    I also know that Beethoven plays a large role in the story. It would be nice if that detail had a mention in the query.

    Romance, mystery, intrigue, time-travel there are so many facets to this piece.

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  10. I appreciate your stopping by to comment here! I remember going back and forth about exactly what you are referring to (Analeise and Beethoven-do I put them in or leave them out???) I will think more on that. And thank you for the kind words!

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  11. You had me at "mysterious symphony." I really like the ideas presented in the pitch, but got a little lost. Does the mysterious manuscript have anything to do with the manuscript for the mysterious symphony? I know word count is at a premium, but Analeise's presence threw me off. I wasn't sure if she'd gone back in time with him, or if he met her in 1820's Vienna - how long has he been there? I think you've got a great story here, it just needs more clarity in the pitch. Best of luck to you!!

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  12. What I Liked: The first sentence grabbed me with its uniqueness.

    What I would like: But I need details, especially here ‘explain a secret about the mysterious manuscript that has eluded history books’ >> what manuscript? Tell us the secret. I need more details to truly invest in the story.

    Great Job!

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  13. I love this concept. I agree that you should definitely get to the stakes a little faster. I am dying for more on how the future is altered. What does he need to do? Rewrite the past how? This query has definitely evolved and it has gotten much more concentrated. Good luck!

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