Title: Dirty Rainbow
Genre: YA Science Fiction
Pitch:
The cyborgs used as manual labour after the extinction of men have always freaked out seventeen-year-old Jenna McBride, even though her mother assures her they are simply mindless drones. And as the leader of Australia, her mother should know.
After a horrific fall, Jenna’s best friend is left with a mangled body and is taken away for treatment. Jenna discovers her mother wants to alter her memories to keep her from finding out the truth: her best friend will never return. With the help of her new next-door neighbour, Ashley, Jenna investigates why her mother would take such a drastic measure.
In her search for answers about her best friend, Jenna discovers the grisly truth about the disappearance of her best friend, the creation of cyborgs, and her mother’s role in it all. Jenna must choose between family loyalty and her best friend from a fate worse than death.
First sentence:
A three letter word shouldn’t sting this much, but it does.
I love this idea and the link with Jenna's mother being the leader of Australia, sounds really interesting.
ReplyDeleteTo make the blurb flow better, I'd like to know the name of Jenna's best friend.
Also, I'd be tempted to start with:
"In her search for answers about her best friend, Jenna discovers the grisly truth about the disappearance of her best friend (name?), the creation of cyborgs, and her mother’s role in it all" and then introduce who her mother is.
I do like this a lot and would want to read on.
And the first line; I SO want to know what that 3-letter word is!
I love this premise and agree that a mother who is the leader of Austrailia is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteIn the middle, I wasn't sure whose memories the mother wanted to alter...Jenna's or the friends'. The use of 'her' multiple times was a bit confusing.
The last line works well, but I think there's a word missing or something. Maybe, saving her best friend from a fate worse than death.
Great first line and I would definitely read more.
HI! I feel like the story is going to be very intriguing! And your first line is fantastic. The opening line of the pitch confused me a bit, only because I think there is a lot of world building going on in the sentence. Is it possible to break up that sentence into two? That might clear things a bit. Maybe leave out the bit about "the extinction of men". I think you do a good job of laying out the stakes. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the premise here, but I find the flow pretty choppy. I agree with those who've said you should name the best friend, too. If nothing else, this will cut down on the number of times you use the phrase "best friend" throughout the query, which should help improve the flow.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is an awesome pop of intrigue. Love! The flow of the pitch is definitely off though. Some of the sentences feel a bit long and clunky, others choppy. I think if you read this out loud some simple tweak possibilities will suggest themselves. :) The concept is fascinating and I'm definitely left feeling curious.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love your first line – it’s intriguing and makes me want to read what comes next.
ReplyDeleteYour pitch is good, but it needs tightening. The first thing my brain latched onto was, “extinction of men”. Since it doesn’t play a role in the pitch, consider taking it out so you don't confuse the reader. You use discover twice, so shake that up a little. Maybe putting Jenna into the action more, rather than discovering things. It’s more fun to be with her when she discovers stuff than being told she discovered it.
Best of luck with it! You have a solid entry here.
The title is amazing; it stopped me dead in my track and I instantly wanted to read it. The first line is strong and I wanted to know more. It is a solid query and a interesting premise.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the stakes could of been a little more dire in the first paragraph. I wanted to know a little more about the fall and the circumstances around it. I'm assuming the cyborgs had something to do with it. It might need a stronger connection between the first and the second paragraphs.
I love that the mother is in a position of power and is manipulating the situation to the point that she wants to alter her daughter's memory.
I would definitely want to read further. Good luck! This entry is strong.
What I like: End of men? Mother is the leader of Australia? Loved these elements.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: It felt a bit synopsis (listing events). I found the voice a tad formal. I would also love to see more specifics to get fully engrossed in your world and see what makes the story unique.
Great job!
I want to know more and would love to read this novel. I'm not sure though what dirty rainbow has to do with this story. I guess to me the title didn't match the pitch. Eliminating some of the 'hers' and using names should clear up some of the confusion.
ReplyDeleteI'm not usually a fan of dystopian novels, but there are always exceptions, and your pitch does intrigue me. I'm very curious about how you combine the different threads of your story. I really like your opening line and the title.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Here's my new try:
ReplyDeleteCyborgs always freak out Jenna McBride. Her mother assures her they are simply mindless drones used since men became extinct. As the Australian head-of-state, her mother should know.
After a horrific fall, Jenna’s best friend’s mangled body is taken away by cyborgs for treatment. Her mother tries to alter Jenna’s memories to keep her from finding out the truth: her best friend, Hetty, will never return. With the help of her new next-door neighbour, Ashley, Jenna investigates why her mother would take such a drastic measure. But Ashley has a secret too; she’s on Australia’s most wanted list and falling for Jenna is dangerous for her health.
In her search for answers, Jenna discovers the grisly truth about Hetty’s disappearance, cyborg creation, and her mother’s role in it all. Jenna must choose: family loyalty or save best friend and new girlfriend from fates worse than death.
New one - two words to cut down!
ReplyDeleteCyborgs always freak out Jenna McBride. Her mother and her bestie, Hetty, assure her cyborgs are simply mindless drones used for labour since men became extinct. As the Australian head-of-state, her mother should know.
After a horrific fall, cyborgs take away Hetty’s mangled body for treatment. Her mother attempts to alter Jenna’s memories to ensure she doesn’t find out the truth: Hetty will never return. With the help of her new next-door neighbour, Ashley, Jenna investigates why her mother would take such a drastic measure. But Ashley has a secret too; she’s on Australia’s most wanted list and falling for Jenna is dangerous for their health.
In her search for answers, Jenna discovers the grisly truth about Hetty’s disappearance, cyborg creation, and her mother’s role in it all. But she also puts Ashley in danger. Jenna must choose: family loyalty or save best friend and new girlfriend from fates worse than death.
How about twisting the first sentence to: Although Jenna McBride’s mother tells her cyborgs are simply mindless drones used since men became extinct, they freak her out.
ReplyDeleteHow about discovering instead of finding out ?
Otherwise, I think this is perfect! Love the twist with Ashley in the end.
Good luck!
A third revision (boy I have great friends who give wonderful feedback)
ReplyDeleteCyborgs freak out Jenna McBride. Her mother and her bestie, Hetty, assure her cyborgs are simply mindless drones used for labour since men became extinct. As the Australian head-of-state, her mother should know.
When Hetty has a horrific fall, cyborgs take her mangled body away for treatment. Her mother attempts to alter Jenna’s memories to ensure she doesn’t find out the truth: Hetty will never return. With the help of her neighbour, Ashley, Jenna investigates why her mother would take such a drastic measure. But Ashley has a secret too; she’s on Australia’s most-wanted list, and falling for Jenna is dangerous.
In her search for answers, Jenna discovers the grisly truth about Hetty’s disappearance, cyborg creation, and her mother’s role in it all. But she also puts Ashley in danger. Jenna must choose: family loyalty or save her best friend and new girlfriend from the woman who raised her.
I like that you incorporate Hetty in right away, then her going missing has more meaning.
ReplyDeleteI think this is perfect!