Genre: YA Dark Fantasy
Pitch:
John’s a 17-year-old boy. His grades are atrocious, his friends non-existent, and his bullies unbearable. So he does the only thing he feels he can do. He ends his life with a bullet from a gun.
In hell John finds himself working in the mailroom. It’s not his ideal way of spending eternity, but luckily his boss sees potential in him, and he’s promoted to the position of Wrath, the giver of nightmares, the bearer of bad dreams.
John makes his assignments feel the fear he’s felt his entire existence. He does this until he’s assigned a young girl named Danielle. The reasons why she’s been assigned are troubling. They’re troubling because John disagrees. Now John must decide between continuing this life of torture and scares, and using this dark gift for something else, something that could help this girl who needs him.
John makes his assignments feel the fear he’s felt his entire existence. He does this until he’s assigned a young girl named Danielle. The reasons why she’s been assigned are troubling. They’re troubling because John disagrees. Now John must decide between continuing this life of torture and scares, and using this dark gift for something else, something that could help this girl who needs him.
First sentence:
School was tough.
oooooh this sounds interesting. Not sure if I agree with the YA Dark Fantasy. Maybe Urban Fantasy? Genres are so hard... might be paranormal because if the death and hell and angels fall into that. Bah, sorry I'm rambleing.
ReplyDeleteBut this sounds really cool and interesting!
sounds great
ReplyDeleteThis is a great premise but the language could use some punching up:
ReplyDeleteSeventeen-year-old John earns atrocious grades, has non-existent friends, and is hunted by unbearable bullies. So he does the only thing he feels he can do--he ends his life with a bullet from a gun.
Also:
The reasons she’s been assigned are troubling--and wrong. Now John must decide between being a torturer or using his dark gift for something more dangerous, something that could keep a (maybe add a description of her here--like "brilliant" or whatever) girl from a fate just like his.
I think that's a bit more punchy--just a suggestion. Love that he gets a chance to inflict pain on others and has to grapple with that.
Good luck!
You could cut "from a gun" as ending it with bullet does the trick.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise but I'm also wary of it. Teen suicide is a hot button topic, and the pitch leaves me with the burning question of WHY John was sent to Hell. If it's because he took his own life, I think you'll have difficulty selling this. If it's for another reason, then I think that should be shown. Just my knee jerk reaction.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the first line could have a bit more punch. "Life was tough" doesn't exactly draw me in. Of course, maybe the second line does, that's the tricky thing about this. But think about how the first line can be MORE. :)
Ooh I get to dissagree with Kimberly :) I like it!
ReplyDeleteWhile I do agree you should be careful about making the only reason John goes to hell is his suicide (I'd just give another possible reason and let the reader decide). But I LOVE the idea of the nightmare falling for a girl. I actually thought about writing something similar myself (but don't worry, if I were to write it it would be like #12 on my to write list. So I'll just skip it and live vicariously through you :)
I think you should combine the first paragraph to make it one sentence. Thats all you need to get the point across (the very first line being "John's a seventeen year old boy" is waste. It tells me NOTHING about this story or even about him)
I also don't like "bullet from a gun" its redundant. Where else would a bullet come from? Bullet in the head would work better.
I'd also limit the amount of times you say the characters name in the pitch. Just keep to a simple "he" whenever you can.
Its needs a little work but I do love the idea so good luck!
What I like: I found this interesting >> ‘his boss sees potential in him, and he’s promoted to the position of Wrath, the giver of nightmares, the bearer of bad dreams.’
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: I also felt the writing could be more flashy, phrases like ‘He does this until’ or ‘The reasons why she’s been assigned are troubling. They’re troubling because John disagrees’ are very low energy.
‘It’s not his ideal way of spending eternity’ <<stumbled here
Great job!