Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #78: ROSE SHADOW

Title: Rose Shadow
Genre: YA Fantasy


Violet is a kick-ass heroine of a different, stubbornly kindhearted sort. Raised in an isolated wood by her secretive Grandmother, she longs to know more about herself, but encounters only more questions when she is summoned to the royal court by the ruthless Countess Is'aura. 
Violet is escorted to court by the disinherited noble Raven, who warns her that the Countess’ true intention is to teach Violet magic in order to enhance her own power. Violet wants to trust the Countess, who claims to have been a friend of Violet's mother, and is her best chance to understand her past; but she wants to trust Raven too, even as their time together leaves her simultaneously exasperated and entranced.
When Violet is forced to wield ancient, dangerous magic in the form of a tapestry woven of her own memories, finding the truth about herself may cost her everything she is. 

First sentence:
The wood was a great green dragon, and I was its treasure, greedily horded.


  1. There are a few punctuation errors, and the sentences seem wordy and overly complex. That said, your first line is fantastic.

  2. Your first line is fabulous! I feel like you could tighten the pitch quite a bit, though. As a starting point, I'd combine the first and second lines so you've got something like, "Raised in the woods by her secretive grandmother, Violet longs to know more about herself. A summons to court only provokes more questions."

    The rest of the pitch feels a bit muddled. It might help if you really focus in on what passes between Violet and the Countess, with just the barest hint of Raven's presence.

  3. I don't like that you tell us your character is kick-ass. We should be able to figure that out on our own and really, I don't see anything kick-ass about her here.

    Sounds like an interesting story but I worry it's not relatable enough. What about this character is so special that's shes s treasure horded? I feel like you're trying to tell us she's super special without having anything actually special (from what I can see)

    Try showing us who this character is, rather than telling us.

  4. The pitch definitely needs tightening and I agree with the advice to work on showing instead of telling. That said, the first line is FABULOUS showing (despite the small typo - should be "hoarded" not "horded"). If I didn't read the pitch and only read the first line I'd be all, GIVE ME MORE. But the pitch gives me pause. Definitely mixed feelings on this one, but you've received some great advice on how to make that pitch shine. :) Good luck!

  5. What I like: “simultaneously exasperated and entranced.” <>too much explanation.

    Great job!

  6. I found this pitch was too vague at times and has too many names in it for me. Tightening it up and give us the core of the story.


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