Title: SIGN OF THE STAR
Genre: YA High Fantasy
Princess Ilyra is dead, and seventeen-year-old healer Janni plans to keep it that way.
But then she meets Brennant, a fugitive nobleman seeking to end her uncle’s increasingly unlawful reign. Pursuing the rumours that the princess lives, Brennant is certain he can help her reclaim her throne—if he can find her. When circumstances force them together, Janni is forced to come to terms with her past, and the deadly repercussions it brings.
Yet Janni possesses a power not even she understands, and her actions shape the destinies of those around her. As they journey across mountains, deserts, and the sea, she will destroy a castle, battle the winds themselves, and unravel a plot to annihilate a neighboring kingdom. As her abilities grow, Janni realizes she must soon decide—remain a healer, or take back the throne she abandoned—though it could cost her everything she’s come to hold dear.
Stolen lantern swinging wildly as I clasped it tight, I hurtled down the musty passageway, desperate to keep up with the tiny ermine leading me to safety.
Wow, great change from version one of this pitch. I really want to read this story!
ReplyDeleteI am a bit confused by this. So is Janni Princess Ilrya? I am not trying to be obtuse, I am just confused. I feel like you threw a bunch of info at me but didn't really tell me what the story is about. I don't feel the characters voice in this. You give me plot but no voice. I hope that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteI like it but I think you could tighten it up a bit more.
I hope that helps!
This is so much more clear--the stakes are sharp and suck me right in. I agree that you could probably find a way to say that Janni is the princess more directly but you do explain she has to remain a healer or take back the throne. Love this line: "As they journey across mountains, deserts, and the sea, she will destroy a castle, battle the winds themselves, and unravel a plot to annihilate a neighboring kingdom." Would look great on a book jacket. And the opening line is much more involving. Good luck you and Janni!
ReplyDeleteLike the others, I felt confused by the princess vs Janni bit. If she is the princess then we need to know that up front.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you are using an unreliable narrator, but if that's the case, and you reveal she's the princess as a twist, then you need to take the reclaiming the throne bit out of the pitch altogether.
Something like: remain a healer or help restore the throne... would suffice.
Your opening line lends to some mystery, tension, and some questions. That's good. Why would a healer want to keep someone dead?
ReplyDeleteWhen you say "But then she meets Brennant..." I'd replace she with Janni to make it clearer. You do use the princess in that first statement, too.
Now, for the questions you need to answer for this pitch: What terms does Janni have t come to grips with from her past and how does that play into the conflict and stakes of your story? You don't need some of the description you've included such as the terrain she traveled, etc... Another example: "she will destroy a castle, battle the winds themselves, and unravel a plot to annihilate a neighboring kingdom." The important part there is the last phrase. Destroying a castle isn't necessary in this pitch. The winds part shows something about Janni and who she is. I believe that would be better used in the first part, telling us about her. Include pertinent information directly linked to the story problem and goal(s). Ask yourself what is absolutely necessary to show the reader the foundation of your story. The bones that will lure them to read. There is a lot of promise with this one. I think if you ponder it a little more, you'll come up with it. Best of luck!