Sunday, February 23, 2014

Entry # 73 - ENTHRALLED

Title: Enthralled

Genre: NA Contemporary Fantasy


Exploiting Tom’s unique gift of being able to find anyone, anywhere is the only way to pay off his late father’s enormous gambling debts. So when a rich recluse promises Tom a fortune if he brings back her kidnapped daughter, Una, Tom seizes the chance for freedom.

To augment her magic, Una Kearny’s mother has siphoned power from Una all her life, and Una’s sick of being someone else’s battery pack. But after she escapes the shackles of her mother’s hexes, she’ll do whatever it takes to stay free.

Tom soon discovers he's the Son of the West Wind. Una finds breaking her addiction to her devious mother is harder than she’d ever imagined. And if the two of them can’t find a way through the perilous Traveller trials of fire and water, they’ll lose their only chance at escaping the magical enslavement that may yet bind them both.

First sentence:

The symptoms hit Una sooner than she had calculated. 


  1. This whole concept of magical enslavement fascinates me. And her own mother using her as a battery back? Wowza! The fact that Una had the strength to break free of that makes me think she's a character I want to get to know. The stakes are pretty clear, but the one missing piece is the importance of those trials and HOW they can free Tom and Una from being magically enslaved. I think once you clarify that, this already compelling pitch will blow the literary world away. :)

  2. I understand that this story maybe told in dual POV, but I feel like using that in the pitch is weakening it.

    I'm not a fan of using exploiting in this context as the word elicits connotations that there's a third party involve (people rarely exploit themselves). Even though technically it's correct, it doesn't have the right impact for me.

    I love the trope being used here. It sounds like a cool story.

    Best of luck.

  3. On Behalf of Judge: "Very original pitch, but a bit confusing. In the first paragraph, we have a reference to Tom's late father, and suddenly we get that he's the son of the West Wind. I'm also not clear on the reason that Tom would end up enslaved. We don't know enough about the stepmother's power to be fully engaged in this pitch yet. There are many intriguing elements, but your details are still too vague because you're trying to cover too much ground. Boil this down to what's essential to the story and weave in only the details that establish the characer, setting, and story question in a unique way. THe first sentence is excellent; it immediately raises questions that make the reader eager to read on."

  4. Another Judge comment: "This seems like a unique story, but you might consider focusing on just one protagonist in your pitch. Use the extra space to establish your setting a little more, so that the reader feels more grounded in the story and its stakes."


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