Title: What Lies Between
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Pitch:
Seventeen-year-old Grace Armstrong craves sanity the way some girls crave chocolate. But every time she catches a glimpse of her reflection, a snarling horde of nightmarish beasts crowds out her image. Either she’s crazy or monsters are stalking her. Hell of a choice.
When a boy replaces the monsters in her bedroom mirror, Grace realizes nothing's crazier than falling for one of her hallucinations. But Luke teasingly persuades her that even her twisted imagination couldn’t invent someone as awesome as him. As Grace risks both her life and her grip on reality to save Luke from the monsters on the other side of the glass, she’ll discover that sanity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
And that long distance relationships don’t suck half as bad as inter-dimensional ones.
First Sentence:
Silence fell in a slow crash as I pulled away from the keys, the final chords fading into stillness.
I can't wait for this to be published so I can read the whole thing! Your writing is just beautiful. My only super tiny nitpick is '...someone as awesome as him' in the 2nd para. I'm a big fan of the word awesome :) but here it feels out voice, imho. Again, it just such small thing, though, so take it with a grain of salt.
ReplyDeleteI think this pitch is much for refined than the first. "But Luke teasingly persuades her that even her twisted imagination couldn’t invent someone as awesome as him." This line really stands out for me. It gives a hint of their relationship, without telling outright. Great writing and great job on the revision!
ReplyDeletehaha I LOVE that line about Luke saying Grace couldn't make up someone as awesome as he is. Great premise, beautiful writing, characters I'd love to get to know- I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Great job on the revision! The plot line is much clearer now. To tell you the truth, I don't know how you could make this stronger.
ReplyDeleteI love it! This version of the pitch is lovely and your prose is so clever ('glass' and 'cracked up'... I see what you did there). I want to get to know Grace, and your first line is so poetic that I'd really love to see your entire first page!
ReplyDeleteGreat pitch... I would love to read this to find out whether it is in her head or whether she has to find a way into the dimension beyond the looking glass. My mind is already working trying to figure out which is worse and how she can discover which is the reality. :)
ReplyDeleteWow, what a fantastic revision! The stakes are so high.
ReplyDeleteI really love the impact of this sentence: As Grace risks both her life and her grip on reality to save Luke from the monsters on the other side of the glass, she’ll discover that sanity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
It feels even stronger than what you currently have at the end. Maybe weave that stand-alone line in earlier so you can end with her life and grip on reality at risk.
I’ve fallen in love with many people’s first pitch lines, but few last lines. You do both exquisitely well.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is killer and the pitch is clear. I’d read this now, if you’d tell me where I could get my hands on it. So my only ‘critique’ comment is super nitpicky.
I was a little hung up on the “Hell of a choice line.” I think it’s great for pacing and voice, but I don’t see what the choice is... yet. She clearly has one in the end (falling for Luke), but this line makes me believe she’s choosing between being crazy or having monsters stalking her. From the premise I glean those things happen to her whether she wants it to or not.
No comments on the first line. Love it!
You have a lot of good stuff here! I love the opening paragraph of the pitch as well as your first sentence. my only thing is the second paragraph opening line. I wonder if there is a way to reword it to give a little better description about the boy. And I know word count here is an issue, but maybe for a real letter something like this: "When the reflection of a (handsome, hot, sexy...)boy replaces the monsters in the mirror one day,...". Just a thought. Good stuff! Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteHi there! I just have two quick things for you:
ReplyDelete1. I'd like a little elaboration as to how Grace risks her life to save Luke. Is the mirror a portal now?
2. I had to re-read the first sentence a few times. While well-written and artsy, it doesn't paint the clearest picture for a lead-in. You might consider tweaking it.
Otherwise, great job! I loved the voice. :)
This sounds like a good story. Loved that Luke was trapped in the mirror. But I wanted to know more why Grace craves sanity and what monsters Luke faces. And I wasn't sure how the first line tied into the pitch. I really liked the last line of the pitch.
ReplyDelete