Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #35: CONDUIT


Genre: Paranormal NA


Not everyone turns seventeen twice, unless you a Conduit—a reincarnated human contracted to reap souls.

For Liv Hartley, it means a new college, and David, a new love interest. But when Asher steals her first assignment, it lands her in hot water with her afterlife caseworker. To redeem herself, Liv delivers a message to a demon. When her life is threatened, Asher is forced to protect her. That’s when Liv discovers there’s more to Asher than bad boy attitude and movie star looks—and the fact his touch is a drug Liv craves.

Even though Liv falls for David, she can’t shake Asher. David is kind, honest, and considerate. He promises the kind of future Liv could never have with Asher. But when Liv gets her toughest assignment yet—to reap David’s soul—she must decide whether to follow through with the contract or risk losing her second chance.

First sentence: 

All the people with near-death experiences got it wrong.


  1. Great pitch and killer first line! Good luck!

  2. First line is great, but you need to add an 'RE you "you"

    Also after you mention Asher, can you give him a title? So it reads, "when Asher, her brother/friends/co-worker/whatever, steals her first assignment, it lands her in hot water with her afterlife caseworker." That way readers know who he is without having to guess and read further.

    I also think the first sentence in the third paragraph would be stronger like, "Even though Liv has already fallen for David, she can’t shake her feelings for Asher."

    Overall, well done! And GOOD LUCK!

  3. Love your pitch. This sounds like a fun book with plenty of romance and an interesting premise.

    Your first line grabs hold of the reader and def. makes me want to read more. Best of luck with it!

  4. This is such a killer premise. And the first line is so catchy. I love it. If you follow Shannon's advice above, you could always say fellow Conduit Asher steals or co-worker...but I can follow it along and love it. Good luck!!

  5. Intriguing premise... typo through me for a moment, but I figured out what you wanted. Nice first line, too.

  6. I like your opening line ... yes, typo. For Liv Hartley, her first assignment means ... (Cut the 'But') When Asher (who is he?) ... How does delivering a message to a demon redeem her? And why is her life threatened, by the demon?
    Your opening line is awesome! Your story is so intriguing.

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. Love this story - but I feel like your hook is pretty generic and similar to other paranormal stories out there. What makes yours different? Could it be that her first assignment gets stolen? Would like to see something that sets you apart.

    I also agree with the other comments. You mention David, but Asher just pops up out of nowhere, and we, the reader, are left to question who this guy is.

    Last thing, I think you need to get Liv's conflict up into the second paragraph. The fact that she has to reap David's soul seems to be the really big push for the story.

    And yes, your first line is FANTASTIC!

    Good Luck!

  9. I agree with all of the above. The introduction of Asher threw me. First line and stakes are well done!

  10. Yeah, so we only got 150 words for the pitch so I had to cut some pertinent information. I tried to paint a picture everyone could follow. Thanks for the comments!

  11. What I like: I feel like there’s a ton of fun stuff going on! I love being seventeen twice!

    What I would like: Asher really just popped in there for me- I’m thinking person, place, thing? I would also re-work the last line, the stakes felt a tad vague for me.

    Great job!

  12. Awesome first line. Totally smitten with how that grabbed me straight off! A few tweaks to the pitch as mentioned by other commenters and you'll be golden! :)

  13. The first line of the query grabbed me and the first line of the MS also grabbed me. She needs to reap David's soul -- NO!? I want to read more!

    Good luck!

  14. Dead Like Me was one of my favourite shows for the short time it was on TV. So this gets my vote!

  15. Great concept but as said earlier Asher is a surprise and we are left to figure out who he is rather than stating straight away that he is a fellow conduit. "But when fellow Conduit, and hot bad boy, Asher..." etc will kill two birds with one stone - let you know he is a conduit straight away and also add a hint that there could be some sort of fatal attraction there.

    Good job :)


Please leave your courteous and professional comments for the writer! We'd love to hear from you! : )