Title: The Adventures of the Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers
Genre: MG reluctant reader
Pitch:
The Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers are not boy crazy. They are not boy lovers. They are the greatest thing to happen to women since the death of the maxi pad belt. Winnie, Lulu and Beta are budding feminists and kindred souls known to the world as the Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers. Their wild causes on behalf of womankind have inspired (and/or greatly annoyed) Isaac Newton Middle School for years.
On the eve of their 8-year friendship anniversary, the Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers’ world is suddenly upset by the addition of a boy in their lives. A Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lover and a boy? What will happen to life at Isaac Newton Middle? Jillian, Lulu and Beta have to decide how to reconcile their feminist ways with this newfound maybe-love.
First Sentence:
When I tried to tell my mother that my friends and I were celebrating our 8-year friendship anniversary with a school-wide bash to top all bashes and possibly inviting Tina Turner she just said, “That sounds great, Winnie, now eat your healthies.”
Well, I love the idea of your story, but your pitch and first sentence leave me with some questions and reservations.
ReplyDeleteThis is listed as MG, but this sentence is anything but MG: 'They are the greatest thing to happen to women since the death of the maxi pad belt.' I mean, a part of me LOVES it, but the problem is that I'm 33 and I never had to deal with a maxi pad belt, so it feels very outdated to liken modern MG-aged girls to it in your pitch. I realize that the kids your book is written for will never read this pitch, but frankly, I've learn at my ripe-old age that at least a considerable number of agents/publishers I'm pitching to could be a decade younger than I am. I'm betting a good margin of them would have to google maxi pad belt just to see what you're analogy is referring to.
Also, I really like your title, but since you make it clear in your pitch that the characters are the precise opposite of the title, I think you should at least hint to the fact that they call themselves that purely out of sarcasm.
My last pitch quibble is with the fact that you list the main characters as Winnie, Lulu and Beta early on, but then list Jillian, Lulu and Beta near the end. I'm presuming that Jillian is Winnie's real name, but for pitching/query purposes, you should just stick to one name.
I love the first sentence, and only have one issue: If Winnie and her friends are that forward thinking and intelligent, why is Winnie's Mom saying something like 'Eat your healthies." to her? That brings to mind several acquaintances who have the nerve-grating habit of talking to their pets in the manner of 'Eat your treaty-weeties kitty-poo!' or 'Mommy's going to trim your toesie-wosies!' If the 'healthies' is actually a name brand cereal, that's one thing, but capitalize it. Or if we find out in the next sentence that Winnie rolls her eyes and thinks her mom talks to her like she's a baby, then give us a clue to that.
Again, I do love your first sentence! Any party with Tina Turner is up my alley! And it gives us a great look at Winnie's independent, big-thinking voice!
What I like: I absolutely love the idea of young feminists
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: But the repetition of ‘Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers’ started to grate and while a lot of the sentences were clever, they didn’t tell me much about the characters/story. Would love to see these girls a little more.
Great job!
The first sentence is genius. The pitch needs a bit of tightening as the above commenters noted, but I'm super curious about this one. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI'm 25 and I have never heard of a maxi-pad belt, nor can I imagine that kind of imagery working well with MGers.
ReplyDeleteI also don't get the "boy-crazy-boy-lovers" thing. Why are they called that if they're the opposite? I'm also not really sure what it "is". What do they do? You say "wild causes" but what exactly are they're causes? I don't know, maybe this is just me not "getting" it, but I'm just not, well, getting it lol. Sorry I couldn't be more help!
I love your first sentence. Perhaps use girls instead of women. While I like that the ref to maxi pad belts shows the awareness level of your characters and showcases their feminist attitude, I think you can still show that but with a relatable analogy.
ReplyDelete