Title: Camp Cammoodle
Genre: Middle Grade/Contemporary Fantasy
Pitch:
Going to summer sleep-away camp is Larry’s last chance to be popular. All right, maybe not really popular, but at least kids would stop calling him Larry the Loser! Somehow, some way, he’s got to convince his mom that he’s old enough. But when she finally says yes, it’s for a camp she’s sure will be safe. Camp Cammoodle—where kids learn to doodle. Even the name says it’s a place for dorks.
So as other kids in his class head off to mountains and lakes, Larry arrives at a dilapidated old building in the middle of the city. Could things get any worse?
But Cammoodle is filled with surprises including trampolines for beds, a mountain in a stairwell, and horses that never need hay. And for the first time, bullied Larry has a shot at adventure and real friendship unless his courage fails when he needs it most.
First sentence:
I don’t want to be the biggest dork in the 4th grade—I just am.
This sounds really cute!
ReplyDeleteI love the line about Cammoodle being filled with surprises including trampolines for beds, a mountain in a stairwell, and horses that never need hay. When I read the first paragraph I thought the story sounded a little generic and when I hit this line I thought "wow that sounds like fun". So I think you might want to shorten the first paragraph and introduce us to the magical wackiness of Cammoodle sooner. Also, I think you need to be more specific about what kind of adventure Larry is going to have, who his real friend is going to be, and why his courage might fail him. Right now the pitch is focused primarily on set up; I want more details about the central conflict.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds fun! I agree with Rebecca that you might try to shorten the opening so you get to Larry's camp adventures a bit quicker. I'd also like more of a hint as to the event (or person?) that tests Larry's courage.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds adorable! I also agree with Rebecca. We need a bit more about the character and the friends he makes and the problem(s) he'll face.
ReplyDeleteYou could probably cut these lines: Somehow, some way, he’s got to convince his mom that he’s old enough. But when she finally says yes, it’s for a camp she’s sure will be safe.
and
So as other kids in his class head off to mountains and lakes, Larry arrives at a dilapidated old building in the middle of the city. Could things get any worse?
And put in more character interactions :)
But besides that, this sounds really cute and I like the first line too :)
I like this concept! The very best part of your pitch begins in the third paragraph. I might consider omitting some of the parts leading up to that third paragraph, and save your words in the pitch for more about the camp and the stakes. Just a thought. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I like this a lot. As others said, the pitch could use some work, but the voice works for me and I'm intrigued by the setting.
ReplyDeleteI giggled my way through the pitch. Great job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat and entertaining premise. It has a Pippi Longstocking feel to it!
ReplyDeleteI'm also wondering about the stakes here. Any specific conflicts? a goal other than making friends?
ReplyDeleteI love the first line though, this is very cute :) Good luck!
Your first line nails the middle grade voice nicely, no easy feat! The pitch could use some tightening and clarifying but I won't repeat the great advice of the other commenters. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like this pitch, too! Maybe I'm bias...
ReplyDeleteHow about shortening the part after "Larry the Loser" to something like: But the only camp Larry can get his mom to say yes to is Camp Cammoodle-where kids learn to doodle. Even the name says it's a place for dorks.
Then I say leave the rest mostly alone. I love the part about his friends going to mountains and lakes while he goes in the middle of the city. I'd only replace the words "But Cammoodle is filled with surprises including..." with "But Commoodle has..."
This one gets my vote!
That's a great idea! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea! It sounds like something my class (3-5 grade) would enjoy. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteWhat I Liked: ‘Camp Cammoodle—where kids learn to doodle.’ <<adorable, I love camp stories!
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: The concept is fab, but play up the stakes so we get a real build-up-POW! At the end.
Great Job!