Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
Pitch:
Avery Mann’s biggest worry before his eleventh birthday is avoiding atomic wedgies from the school bully. However, his fear of overstretched underwear fades when he becomes a pawn in a supernatural game of four-way chess between wise-guy magi, scheming witches, calculating monsters, and storybook villains come to life. Needless to say, getting caught up in an inter-dimensional conspiracy throws a flying monkey wrench into his summer plans, which did not include: magically bonding himself to a murderous raven, making fishy deals with Long John Silver, or being chased around by ghosts, ghouls, and giant, one-eyed cops. Worse yet, Avery's only chance to get out of this tangled web of wackiness is to free the Wicked Witch of the East… from Hell. And if he fails, his family will remain a bunch of Rip Van Winkles, his newfound friends will be imprisoned, and he'll never finish reading his Ultimate Spider-Man collection.
First sentence:
The walled garden in Kensington Park wasn't as impenetrable as Superman’s Fortress of Solitude or high-tech as the Batcave, but it made the perfect hideout.
This is THE BEST middle grade voice I've read in ages. And I have a bookshelf full of the stuff in my personal library. You have got it nailed, and the story sounds fascinating to boot. I can see myself huddled on our living room couch with my children clustered around me, gasping in horror and laughing in delight as your story unfolds. Fabulous job!
ReplyDeleteYour voice shines through in this query, and the first line hooked me right away. I'm still laughing at 'throws a flying monkey wrench.'
ReplyDeleteThanks Kimberly and Mindy! I'm so glad I entered this contest b/c it really helped me polish this pitch. I feel much better about it now then when I wrote the first version a couple weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteI love your first line! My only tiny nitpicks are the second and third lines of the pitch. You've listed four items in the second sentence and three, plus three more in the third. I think you could safely take the quirkiest and funniest and pare it down without losing anything or just break up the sentences so they're not back to back. Other than that, I think you've done a fantastic job!! I'd love to read this. :)
ReplyDeleteRebecca,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. I didn't even notice that the second and third lines are list-y. I'll see what I can do to change that in the next revision.
Best Wishes,
Joseph
You have nailed the Middle grade voice, and the fantastical & fun elements here make this pitch a serious contender. Well done! The only thing I'd lose is "giant" from "giant, one-eyed cops" because of the alliteration issue (and the sentence is already a bit crammed). Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks Judge #4!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked the pitch. This contest has really helped me hone it to a much sharper point. ;)
Best Wishes,
Joseph
On behalf of your second judge: "The voice here is awesome for MG! Possibly too many examples of different beasts and a few too many adjectives in the pitch. But overall it's great!"
ReplyDeleteJudge #2:
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm glad you liked the voice... as for too many beasts/adjectives. I'll see if I can fix that in the next version.
Best Wishes,
Joseph