Title: SWORN
Genre: NA
Pitch:
Deep in the Rocky Mountains, college student Kai Monahan watches in awe as a dozen dragons—actual freaking dragons—battle beneath a fat, white moon. When one crashes nearly dead at her feet and transforms into a man, Kai does the only thing a decent person could: grabs the nearest sword and saves his life. As the man/dragon, Rhys, recovers from his wounds, an accidental brush of skin against skin binds him inextricably to Kai, but she isn’t about to give up her future because of a mythological creature with a hormone imbalance.
Kai soon learns there’s more at stake than her freedom. Rhys and his companions have an enemy who plans to pit dragonkind against humanity in a clash that could decimate both. Kai must decide if her freedom is worth risking Rhys’s life; a life more crucial to the fate of both species than she can possibly guess.
First sentence:
Kai stood at the brink of the precipice, the toes of her worn hiking boots hanging over the edge.
Wow,interesting premise! I love the whole dragon/human aspect of this. Great pitch. Think about making your first sentence more like the line in query about seeing dragons for the first time. It's a great line. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI "freaking" love this pitch. There are a worrying number of dragon-human hybrid stories making their way around the contest circuit these days, but this is by far the most compelling I've read! Mythological creature with a hormone imbalance. Ha! I already love Kai. MORE PLEASE.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. And I second Kathleen, I would like to see the dragon first if possible. While I like your first sentence it doesn't grab me in a I have to read more kind of way but your query did grab me. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAlso what is the genre? Make sure to mention genre in your query.
DeleteSounds like fun ;) Great first line.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice in the pitch, and the entire premise. The first line didn't grab me nearly as much..I think it might be stronger if we actually heard the same voice that was shown in the pitch...like the "actual freaking dragons" bit. Perhaps start with her reaction to actually seeing them.
ReplyDeleteThis is the only entry I've felt moved to comment on twice, but I just gotta say I disagree with the "Start with the dragons" advice. I get why readers are feeling that, because the query is EXCITING and the first line isn't. But I don't think it should be in this case. I want to get to know Kai a little before her life gets tossed into turmoil. I want to see her "normal" before I see the extraordinary. And your first line is a great start. Worn hiking boots = she hikes regularly. She's active. Athletic maybe. Edge of the precipice = brave or crazy or stupid. Maybe an adrenaline junkie. Yes, the first line isn't a BAM! ZING! kind of line. But seeing dragons WILL be. And I love that you're laying a solid foundation here. We need dark for the stars to stand out against, right? Anyway, apologies for babbling, but PLEASE don't start with the dragons. I betcha anything agents would tell you that you need to start your story sooner if you did that. ;)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kimberly here. There are two kinds of openings, grabbers and lurers. Your first line is a lurer, and it should be. But your pitch should always grab - and it does.
DeleteThanks for your feedback everyone! I'm glad the query is working! Kimberly, that's actually exactly how my opening goes. I'd really like the reader to build a little rapport with Kai before I stick her in the middle of a dragon battle. I get to them by the end of the first chapter, I promise!
ReplyDeleteWhat I like: ‘but she isn’t about to give up her future because of a mythological creature with a hormone imbalance.’ <<damn straight. Loved the voice.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: But the second paragraph was a little vague for me, a feel like details could really punch it up.
Great job!