Genre: NA Contemporary Fantasy
Pitch:
Exploiting Tom’s unique gift of being able to find anyone, anywhere is the only way to pay off his late father’s enormous gambling debts. So when a rich recluse promises Tom a fortune if he brings back her kidnapped daughter, Una, Tom seizes the chance for freedom.
To augment her magic, Una Kearny’s mother has siphoned power from Una all her life, and Una’s sick of being someone else’s battery pack. But after she escapes the shackles of her mother’s hexes, she’ll do whatever it takes to stay free.
Tom soon discovers he's the Son of the West Wind. Una finds breaking her addiction to her devious mother is harder than she’d ever imagined. And if the two of them can’t find a way through the perilous Traveller trials of fire and water, they’ll lose their only chance at escaping the magical enslavement that may yet bind them both.
First sentence:
The symptoms hit Una sooner than she had calculated.
For starters: This sounds really cool and I'd read it.
ReplyDeletePITCH:
I think it's well written. But you lose me at P3 - which always seems to be the hardest to write. I see in P1 & P2 we see both Tom and Una want freedom. But in P3, you hit us with Una's addiction and the stakes, but getting to them loses me. Maybe mention Una's addicted to them in P2 and make us see how much harder it will be for her to earn her freedom. I don't understand how Tom & Una meet based on your pitch, but that they have to go some trials to escape. Maybe try to connect P1&2 to P3 by explaining how Tom finds Una. Then lead into the trials. You've spike my interest with the trials b/c I want to know why fire and water are so awful. Last question, I asked myself as I read this: are the stakes high enough? If they aren't able to escape won't they stay in the exact same positions they are now? Is there the threat of death or imprisonment for trying to escape?
Since you started the query with Tom, I was surprise to see the first line started in Una's perspective.
FIRST:
I like it. I'm curious as to why you didn't use she'd instead of she had, but that's personal preference. I'd read more.
This is just brilliant. The pitch is compelling, the story isn't like anything else I've read before. You have things outlined in clear, specific terms, and this whole concept of magical enslavement practically shouts, "READ ME NOW!"
ReplyDeleteI Agree with AgirlnamedNat. I love the first and the second paragraph, but the third threw me. Also about the first line. Maybe have Una's paragraph first since it's her line first?
ReplyDeleteBesides that, this sounds awesome and fun and I'd totally read it!
I agree with those that came before me. The premise is fantastic and I would absolutely devour this novel. The pitch is great until paragraph three. I just might make it clearer how these two intertwine before putting in the stakes.
ReplyDeleteDitto. I'd read it, but the third paragraph needs work.
ReplyDeleteWhat I like: I love that Tom is being able to find anyone, what a fun, unique gift to exploit!!
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: There is a bit of noun confusion in that first sentence, who’s exploiting Tom?
And I found this is a little clunky: ‘unique gift of being able to find anyone’
Also, this may be personal preference, but I feel like subject jumping in a query –as from the first to second paragraph, is hard to pull off because the short format.
As said above, the third paragraph struggles to pull these two characters together. I also found ‘discovers he's the Son of the West Wind’ a bit of a non sequitor – what does it add to the query?
The sentence ‘Una finds breaking her addiction to her devious mother is harder than she’d ever imagined’ is also a bit too vague for me.
Great job!