Sunday, February 23, 2014

Entry #46 - THE ELDER RACE

TITLE: THE ELDER RACE
GENRE: YOUNG ADULT URBAN FANTASY

PITCH: 

Seventeen-year-old Carri Helms isn’t the first mortal the Goetia, a legion of Fallen Angels and demons, has attacked. But she’s the first to live.

After surviving a car accident the Goetia orchestrate to kill her, Carri discovers she’s a Keymaster, the only one capable of opening Heaven’s gates—whatever the hell that means. But she’s more interested in graduating from her posh prep school than fulfilling an ancient prophecy. Until she meets Riker, an Angel with a killer smile and authority issues, and they fight off another attack.

As they explore their forbidden feelings for one another, Carri discovers the truth behind her Elder heritage--she’s the last direct descendant of Eden’s Eve. With Carri central to Hell's plot to storm Heaven’s gates, the Goetia kidnap her sister to guarantee her cooperation. Now, Carri and Riker must rescue her and send the Goetia back to Hell…or die trying.

FIRST LINE: 

The screen on my phone blacked out as the last of my battery drained, leaving me with the world’s most expensive paperweight. 

16 comments:

  1. Wow, this is such an improvement (and it was pretty dang intriguing to start with). The story is so much clearer now, we still get a sense of your main character, and the stakes are clearly outlined. I love the POW of the first lines of the pitch, and the first line of the story is something relatable, with a touch of humor, that immediately places us in a contemporary setting. Well done!

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I don't know what I did, but I somehow removed my comment by mistake. I shouldn't play on the computer before I have coffee

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  2. Replies
    1. Thank you! I think we've all been there.

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  3. Very good first line! The specific details and humor really make it shine.

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    1. Thanks! My MC is really not happy about her phone dying. I always hate it when it happens to me.

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  4. I'm loving the first line and the touch of humour in your query. "And they fight off another attack" at the end of paragraph 2 doesn't seem to fit with the sentence. Perhaps delete that and gives us a few words explaining why their love is forbidden. Good luck!

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    1. I've never considered that before. Thanks for mentioning it.

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  5. Ooh, she's the first to live. Like those stakes! I also enjoyed the voice. It was friendly, yet spiced with some sass. Nice.

    Last line, first paragraph: I'd change 'with a killer smile and authority issues, who helps her fight off another attack.' I'm being nitpicky here, but I like this. Why is there romance forbidden? Is it stated somewhere, written in gold or the stars... What I'm getting at is the fact that it's forbidden really important or is it just a secondary issue? Is it part of your high stakes? If not, simply come up with another adjective. Also, I think I'd add 'her sister' to that last line instead of just using the word 'her'. I had to read it a few times to make sure I understood correctly. Nicely done. Best of luck!

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    1. Thank you for the suggestions! I have 'her sister' in my original query, but cut the word sister to meet the word count. Love the suggestions and running to fix it now.

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  6. I'm intrigued and want to read more!

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