Sunday, February 23, 2014

Entry #49 - DIRTY RAINBOW


Manuscript Title: Dirty Rainbow
Genre: YA Science Fiction

150 word Pitch:

Cyborgs freak out Jenna McBride. Her mother and her bestie, Hetty, assure her cyborgs are simply mindless drones used for labour since men became extinct. As the Australian head-of-state, her mother should know.

When Hetty has a horrific fall, cyborgs take her mangled body away for treatment. Her mother attempts to alter Jenna’s memories to ensure she doesn’t learn the truth: Hetty will never return. With the help of her neighbour, Ashley, Jenna investigates why her mother would take such a drastic measure. But Ashley has a secret too; she’s on Australia’s most-wanted list. Falling for Jenna is hazardous for their health.

In her search for answers, Jenna discovers the grisly truth about Hetty’s disappearance, cyborg creation, and her mother’s role in it all. But she also puts Ashley in danger. Jenna must choose: family loyalty or save her best friend and new girlfriend from the woman who raised her


First complete sentence:

A three letter word shouldn’t sting this much, but it does.

11 comments:

  1. Wow. I can't say how much I love this. I thought the pitch was great before, but this is BAM in your face action, suspense, loyalty issues...all of it. SO GREAT!!

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  2. Great job! And I still love the first sentence! The way your pitch opens seems different than it was...of course it's so hard to remember! Anyway, the way I read it now is a lot tighter and really gets to the crux of what I believe will be a terrific read! Well done!

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  3. I love this pitch, I'd definitely read more. I love the idea of Ashley being on Australia's most wanted list. It makes me want to get to know these characters better.
    One nitpick: it's not completely clear to me whether it's Hetty's mother or Jenna you're referring to in the second sentence of the second paragraph. I'm assuming Jenna's mother, but maybe you could make it a little clearer.
    Good luck!

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  4. I think this works very well: clear stakes, goal, consequences; I wonder if there's a way to rephrase the last sentence: as it reads now, the woman who raised her refers to the girlfriend. I know you mean from the woman who raised Jenna.

    Maybe: Jenna must choose between saving her best friend and new girlfriend, or loyalty to the woman who raised her.

    Well done and all the best with it!

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  5. Wow, you created such a unique world with mysterious cyborgs and no men. And I love that Ashley is on Australia's most wanted list while Jenna's mom is head-of-state. Great conflict!

    I wasn't completely clear about Jenna's memory. Her mother attempts to alter it, but I'm guessing it doesn't work (or doesn't completely work) because she investigates why her mom took such a drastic measure. So is her memory gone but she knows her mom took it away or do some memories remain? I'd love to know a little more about this!

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  6. I think this pitch is great, I get a real feel for what is happening and knowing the friends name, Hetty, made it easy for me to the story.
    And the first line is still awesome!

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  7. I really like this version of your pitch. The only nit-picky issue I have, and this could just be me, is this line-Falling for Jenna is hazardous for their health.-doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the pitch.

    Good luck!

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  8. Really like your first paragraph. It gives a great sense of time and setting, and clearly establishes the genre. Also I find the mother/ daughter relationship fascinating.

    I’m a bit confused about the ordering of the events in the 2nd paragraph. Hetty falls, cyborgs take her body away... then she alter’s Jenna’s memories when she’s undergoing treatment? I guess I was under the impression from the “horrific fall” Hetty was comatose or something.

    Also, does Jenna know her mom wiped her memories? The “drastic measure sentence” leads me to believe she does know, but I’m left wanting something more specific. Maybe: “With the help of her neighbor, Ashley, Jenna investigates her mom’s disappearance.” Then you could cut the disappearance part from the third paragraph and go with, “In her search for answers, Jenna discovers the grisly truth about cyborg creation and her mother’s role in it all...” helps with the word count ;)

    I was going to point out the last sentence too, but some others have already commented on it. My suggestion, you’ve already said Hetty is her best friend in paragraph 1. Don’t muddle that idea with Ashley as the “new best friend,” just go with “Jenna must choose: family loyalty or save her new girlfriend from... something...”

    Your first sentence is awesome. No critique. Love the voice and leaves me pondering what this three letter word is.

    Good luck!

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  9. Really great pitch - I was pulled in immediately. Good luck!

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  10. I really like the opening sentence and your concept. I like the pitch overall, but in places it feels a little too choppy to me. I would like to see more of an overall flow to it.

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  11. Judge comment: Love the LGBTQ relationship -- always glad to see more lesbian/bi representation in sci fi. Sentences are a little choppy, and I stumbled over the first line in the pitch. I also had difficulty separating the characters -- it took me several reads to realize "her best friend and new girlfriend" meant both Hetty and Ashley, since Hetty "will never return" a few sentences earlier.

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