Genre: MG Realistic Fiction, Historical Setting
Pitch:
Gordon’s life changes drastically when his family moves, and then, still reeling from the assassination of President Kennedy, he makes a shocking discovery. His father lived a secret life. Gordon travels a thousand miles, alone, to find the truth, and the half-brother he never knew he had.
In Orlando, Florida, seventeen-year-old Marty Chase wins an essay contest to see his favorite band, The Beatles, perform live in New York City on The Ed Sullivan Show. A hard working overachiever with a loving and supportive mother, Marty struggles with his anger toward an emotionally distant father, Lou. In New York, where he hopes one day to write for the Times, Marty’s outlook for his future seems to be looking up.
As the two brothers’ physical and emotional journeys parallel each other, they eventually intersect, where they come to understand the true meaning of a father’s love, and in the end – a brother’s love as well.
First line:
I knew if I stepped off the train, I'd never find out the truth, so I leaned back in my seat, thinking about what my parents would do when they found out I'd gone.
As a Beatles fan, this one caught my eye. I feel like your query is a bit too vague. Is this told from a dual POV? This line feels awkward: Marty struggles with his anger toward an emotionally distant father, Lou. In New York, where he hopes one day to write for the Times, Marty’s outlook for his future seems to be looking up.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not sure what the stakes are for the two boys, I try and use Nathan Bradford's Character---Conflict---Choice in my queries.
I think this would appeal to middle grade readers. Your first line has a nice hook. Good luck! You have my vote.
Thank you for your insightful comments and suggestions. I will check out Nathan Bradford for help with the query. This is a dual pov story. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteNathan Bradford's query insights were really helpful for me as I was putting my pitch together. Anyway, I like the historical setting and first sentence and once you clarify the stakes, you'll have a real winner of a pitch.
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ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm not brave enough to write historical fiction. I'd spend too much time researching, not enough time writing. So for that alone, props!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to echo Kathleen's sentiments in that I'd like to know more about what the stakes are. Is it the brother's ultimate goal to meet up? What happens if they fail? We know a bit about what Marty wants out of life. What about Gordon?
Also the bit about President Kennedy felt a bit odd. Is it meant to establish the time period, or did they move because of Kennedy's assassination? If it's purpose is to set the scene, you could consider leading off with it.
Your first sentence does a great job of establishing stakes. Right off the bat we learn Gordon's done something he shouldn't. Great job. My only suggestion is that it feels like it could be broken up. "I knew if I stepped off the train, I'd never find out the truth." Reads like a stronger first line to me.
Good luck!
It sounds like this story is going to be told from 2 POV. I love stories with more than one POV. As others have said I want to know more about what's at stake. His life changes drastically is vague and I'm not sure if the assignation has anything do with it? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI too found the pitch a little vague in places. I think if you clarify you'll really have something here. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis time period is super cool! But it feels more YA than MG to me. Both in content and voice. I do think its a cool story though so good luck!
ReplyDeleteWhat I like: I like the historical bits, interesting!
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: Do we need to know he moves in the first instance? Because when he then drives across country, it feels a bit rootless. Overall, I also found it vague- I don’t know what they want or what’s standing in their way. I’m also confused by MG and traveling cross-country alone. The query’s tone is very adult to me.
Great job!
The title and subject intrigued me, a Beatlemaniac. :-) I like the dual POV and the concept. The fact that one character is 17 and the other is (how old? I think you should specify) may make it hard to market as a middle grade. Good luck!
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