Genre: NA Sci/Fi Fantasy.
Pitch:
Coree was an average college student, content in her anonymity, until one day that all changed. Madness swept the Earth, a madness crafted by the alien Imani. She was taken to their home world as a research subject to face a short life of experiments, torture, and pain. But while the Imani learned about her; she learned about them. She stumbled upon something, something important. Before she could act on that knowledge, they drugged her, hoping to erase any memory she had left, then tossed her onto the mountainside.
She survived, barely, through her own kindling power. She stumbled into the Fost, the Imani’s ancient enemy. Thankfully, they didn’t kill her. They sheltered her and kept her safe.
Unfortunately, the Imani didn’t like unforeseen outcomes. They wanted her back. To save the people she had grown to love, Coree had to master her magic and above all, she needed to remember…
First sentence:
White eyes stared at me through the amber glass, Imani eyes.
This sounds like a great read!
ReplyDeleteQuery - I'd like a little more 'WOW' in the first line. So I'd actually use your second line to start. It's got a lot of punch and makes me interested. I love the line about them learning about her and her learning about them. It gives me a good sense of character, that she's a fighter. Is the 'something important' something you can put into the query?
In the second paragraph, I like that you introduce the Fost and that they are the Imani's enemy, but I'd tighten it up a little. I don't think you need the 'didn't kill her sentence' and could maybe combine the 2nd and 4th sentences. The power of her own kind of throws me for a loop. Was this a power she had on earth, or did she develop it because of the experiments?
Last paragraph - What unforseen outcomes? They gave her power? The Fost cared for her?
I definitely voted for you. Your concept is wonderful and I really like the first sentence!
Thanks! still working it. I did the SC author query and revised a little. I didnt want to mention as she spend the whole book remembering it. =P
DeleteThis sounds really interesting. The only thing that threw me is them wanting her back. I would think that they would just want her dead, and it would pack a bigger punch. But besides that, this sounds like a great action packed story :)
ReplyDeleteThey do want her dead too. They are mean that way. Thanks for feedback. All feedback apprecaited. this second draft of first query/pitch so getting the idea. down.
DeleteCool first line, but I found the plotline a bit confusing. I don't understand why they tried to wipe her memory instead of killing her. A bit of clarification could got a long way here. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThey meant it as a kindness. It plays into the story but trying to tighten my pitch now. Thanks!
DeleteIm curious. Does the reader learn what she learned or is most of the story after the memory loss? It seems weird to say she learns something big but don't say what it is. If the reader does learn this secret I'd mention it in the pitch.
ReplyDeleteThey do, I didnt know if i should this is my first try at pitch. well first was SC authors contest. so trying it out.
ReplyDeleteWhat I like: I love the idea of being a research subject for aliens –so cool!
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: It felt a bit like a synopsis for me. I also don’t like the use of the word ‘average’ – it just doesn’t’ say much for me. I was also confused at how she went from ‘average’ to ‘mastering her magic.’
Also tense confusion>> ‘To save the people she had grown to love, Coree had to master her magic and above all, she needed to remember…’
Great job!
Thanks! love the feedback! I hadn't noticed the tense change. Trying to get the second paragraph perfect.
ReplyDelete