Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #76: THE WITCH'S BREW

Title: The Witch's Brew

Genre: YA/Legal Thriller

Pitch: 

Ten years after the disappearance of sibling pair Hansel and Gretel, Gretel’s body is unearthed. All evidence points to Carmen Caramelo a.k.a. the Candy Witch. Fuelled by her own false arrest and her growing attraction to the witch’s son, sixteen-year-old Amy Faye, will stop at nothing to prove Carmen’s innocence. Unfortunately for Amy, that also means risking her reputation, her friendships and even her life. THE WITCH'S BREW is John Grisham’s The Accused meets Bill Willingham’s Fables: Peter and Max.

First Sentence: 

I didn’t steal the lipstick.

20 comments:

  1. I loved this. I have nothing more to say.

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  2. The first sentence is really fun and your story sounds like an interesting twist on the Hansel and Gretel fairytale. Only critique is I think you have an unnecessary coma confusing one of your middle sentences. You have:

    "Fuelled by her own false arrest and her growing attraction to the witch’s son, sixteen-year-old Amy Faye, will stop at nothing to prove Carmen’s innocence." - Here the coma after Faye suggests the witch's son is named Amy Faye.

    Instead: "Fuelled by her own false arrest and her growing attraction to the witch’s son, sixteen-year-old Amy Faye will stop at nothing to prove Carmen’s innocence." Pulling out the coma makes it clear its Amy who will stop at nothing.

    Best of luck! I think this sounds like great fun.

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    Replies
    1. Oy…shakes head. Thanks for catching my mistake.

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  3. I'm a sucker for fractured fairy tales... so you had me at Hansel. ;)

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  4. This sounds really cute! I'm wondering if it's TOO cute for YA though. "Carmen Caramelo" is what threw me, I think. The rest works, but that's like the sour note in the song for me. It's so punny, and that makes me think upper MG (which the story obviously is not). That's my only nitpick though. Other than that, this sounds fabulous. :) Good luck!

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  5. What I like: This is insane! I also love Hansel + Gretel, so extra points- have them!

    What I would like: This may be just me, but sentence like this ‘Unfortunately for Amy, that also means risking her reputation, her friendships and even her life’ are so vague, I tend to gloss over.


    Great job!

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    Replies
    1. Is insane good? (I'm taking it to be good). Good point. Thanks!

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  6. Ooh, I love fairy tale retellings and your first line is so simple, but definitely packs a punch. It's perfect!

    The first line of the pitch is just a bit clunky. At first, I thought of suggesting you say siblings instead of sibling pair, but then I wonder if you can just cut that and say the disappearance of Hansel and Gretel, since people will know who they are.

    Your main character's name and stakes in all of this is a bit buried. Can you highlight her earlier in the pitch?

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the love. And the awesome advice.

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  7. I don't have anything constructive to say about your pitch, it looks good to me. I just want to let you know that I think this is a fantastic concept. Good luck!

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