tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post5880847543657163108..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #76: THE WITCH'S BREWMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-58469147805750468292014-02-25T22:56:51.486-05:002014-02-25T22:56:51.486-05:00Thanks Jess! Thanks Jess! rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-30225897018675631562014-02-24T18:49:35.712-05:002014-02-24T18:49:35.712-05:00I don't have anything constructive to say abou...I don't have anything constructive to say about your pitch, it looks good to me. I just want to let you know that I think this is a fantastic concept. Good luck!Jess Schirahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04930756756945812094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-25901440215422312102014-02-22T00:03:37.484-05:002014-02-22T00:03:37.484-05:00Thanks for the love. And the awesome advice. Thanks for the love. And the awesome advice. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-30110517289226557872014-02-22T00:02:20.111-05:002014-02-22T00:02:20.111-05:00Is insane good? (I'm taking it to be good). Go...Is insane good? (I'm taking it to be good). Good point. Thanks!rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-33021960577824471952014-02-22T00:00:39.339-05:002014-02-22T00:00:39.339-05:00Thanks. And good point. Thanks. And good point. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-68550867195776546542014-02-21T23:59:57.544-05:002014-02-21T23:59:57.544-05:00Thanks. Thanks. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-87610680234225596322014-02-21T23:59:14.968-05:002014-02-21T23:59:14.968-05:00Thanks a bunch. Thanks a bunch. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-82230712184593157522014-02-21T23:58:19.752-05:002014-02-21T23:58:19.752-05:00Oy…shakes head. Thanks for catching my mistake. Oy…shakes head. Thanks for catching my mistake. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-23830900946534883902014-02-21T23:56:09.858-05:002014-02-21T23:56:09.858-05:00Thanks for the love! Thanks for the love! rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-74061125655100157832014-02-21T15:28:58.861-05:002014-02-21T15:28:58.861-05:00Ooh, I love fairy tale retellings and your first l...Ooh, I love fairy tale retellings and your first line is so simple, but definitely packs a punch. It's perfect! <br /><br />The first line of the pitch is just a bit clunky. At first, I thought of suggesting you say siblings instead of sibling pair, but then I wonder if you can just cut that and say the disappearance of Hansel and Gretel, since people will know who they are. <br /><br />Your main character's name and stakes in all of this is a bit buried. Can you highlight her earlier in the pitch? Mindy Alyse Weisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08771641311473178834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-41108145999761430522014-02-21T14:02:48.664-05:002014-02-21T14:02:48.664-05:00What I like: This is insane! I also love Hansel + ...What I like: This is insane! I also love Hansel + Gretel, so extra points- have them!<br /><br />What I would like: This may be just me, but sentence like this ‘Unfortunately for Amy, that also means risking her reputation, her friendships and even her life’ are so vague, I tend to gloss over.<br /><br /><br />Great job!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-25329539824447268312014-02-20T12:03:16.854-05:002014-02-20T12:03:16.854-05:00This sounds really cute! I'm wondering if it&#...This sounds really cute! I'm wondering if it's TOO cute for YA though. "Carmen Caramelo" is what threw me, I think. The rest works, but that's like the sour note in the song for me. It's so punny, and that makes me think upper MG (which the story obviously is not). That's my only nitpick though. Other than that, this sounds fabulous. :) Good luck!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-87425374678621119582014-02-19T21:54:40.140-05:002014-02-19T21:54:40.140-05:00I'd read it!I'd read it!Joy Slaughterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04488112728458014023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-76935189988792766392014-02-19T19:22:07.286-05:002014-02-19T19:22:07.286-05:00I'm a sucker for fractured fairy tales... so y...I'm a sucker for fractured fairy tales... so you had me at Hansel. ;)Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-69725196258851466062014-02-19T18:35:00.407-05:002014-02-19T18:35:00.407-05:00Sounds like a fun read!Sounds like a fun read!HL Carpenterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15354414831540191430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-79423492548998828622014-02-19T17:06:50.360-05:002014-02-19T17:06:50.360-05:00The first sentence is really fun and your story so...The first sentence is really fun and your story sounds like an interesting twist on the Hansel and Gretel fairytale. Only critique is I think you have an unnecessary coma confusing one of your middle sentences. You have:<br /><br />"Fuelled by her own false arrest and her growing attraction to the witch’s son, sixteen-year-old Amy Faye, will stop at nothing to prove Carmen’s innocence." - Here the coma after Faye suggests the witch's son is named Amy Faye.<br /><br />Instead: "Fuelled by her own false arrest and her growing attraction to the witch’s son, sixteen-year-old Amy Faye will stop at nothing to prove Carmen’s innocence." Pulling out the coma makes it clear its Amy who will stop at nothing. <br /><br />Best of luck! I think this sounds like great fun. Deana J Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02399341150899559662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-36249967880275306542014-02-19T16:26:19.733-05:002014-02-19T16:26:19.733-05:00What a neat concept! What a neat concept! Laurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15621162636162802009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8410175510357809772014-02-19T14:03:38.161-05:002014-02-19T14:03:38.161-05:00I loved this. I have nothing more to say.I loved this. I have nothing more to say.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11041461048761520454noreply@blogger.com