Sunday, February 23, 2014

Entry #11: ELSPETH

TITLE: Elspeth


Pitch:

Sixteen-year-old Elspeth McCaffrey’s normal, teenage life ended the day she was date-raped while studying abroad in England. Her therapist tells her it just takes time; she will heal soon enough. The long, dull days at school and evenings alone in bed with her IPod will vanish like whipped cream in hot chocolate. The memories will fade and her zeal for life will return.

Right. An amoeba has a better existence than me...

Her best friend, Charlie, tries his best to help but his needs are just as great. Her ex-boyfriend, Matt, wants to be close but she’d rather curl up with a pillow than embrace anything with life. Pain and fear riddle her brain like bullets and she dreams of nothing but running until she can no longer feel. Then Matt invades her personal space or Charlie grabs her hand.

Feeling might be worthwhile after all...

First Sentence:

As I spoke the words “I was raped”, the man sitting across from me smiled.

6 comments:

  1. Very powerful pitch. This is so relevant to today and we need more books like these. The only thing that threw me was the sentence in between the paragraphs, it didn't seem to fit. Otherwise, I think it's spot on.

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  2. First off, your opening sentence is seriously stellar! It's killing me that I don't have the next, sentence, page, chapter in front of me. Gah!! :)

    Overall, your pitch is really strong. I tripped over this sentence, though: The long, dull days at school and evenings alone in bed with her IPod will vanish like whipped cream in hot chocolate.

    I really like the simile you end on, but is there a way to reword the rest to shorten it a little? Or maybe set it off with em dashes? The long, dull days at school--evenings alone in bed with her IPod--will vanish like whipped cream in hot chocolate. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. See what others say. :)

    My only other small nitpick is the echo of 'best' in the third para, 1st sentence. Maybe just cut 'his best' and leave it as ...tries to help... Also, I'm not sure what is meant by "but his needs are just as great" What are his needs? Though that's more than you should probably go into in a pitch, so perhaps cut that part as well?

    Hope this helps.

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  3. In the first paragraph I don't think you need the simile. I would cut the second paragraph as it seems odd to switch from 3rd to 1st and your pitch doesn't need it.

    In the 3rd paragraph perhaps cut "pain and fear riddle her brain... etc. I think this sentence takes away from the sentence prior. Which by the way "she’d rather curl up with a pillow than embrace anything with life" - does a beautiful job of illustrating how she's feeling.

    Something to think about (take it or leave it.). What if you told us what she use to dream about (finding love, friends etc.?) and put in contrast to her new dream of running until she can no longer feel. Perhaps even start your pitch with showing us that contrast then go into she was date raped. This way instead of ordinary life we have a baseline to see what her dreams, hopes etc. were like before she was raped and what she's fighting to get back to (wether she knows it consciously or not). This will also help to set up the later part of your pitch when she contemplates letting Matt and Charlie in.

    Yes. I would read on. Keep up the good work.

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  4. You need to keep your pitch all in third person. Agents don't like first person query pitches. You need to use the correct capitalisation: it's iPod not IPod (nitpicky, I know). The sentence "Then Matt invades her personal space or Charlie grabs her hand" really throws me out of the pitch because or indicates one of two things happen, as opposed to both things happing.

    Killer first sentence! Love it.

    Good luck.

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  5. Hey! Two quick things:

    1. I was a little jarred by the jump from third-person to first-person POV in the pitch.

    2. We see a lot of Elspeth's situation in your pitch, but not much plot. What is the book about? If it's a love triangle with Charlie and Matt, you'll probably want to play up that conflict a little more. Make her choice more distinct, and give us a hint at the consequences.

    You're off to a good start! :)

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  6. This sounds like a powerful story and I liked the first line. For the pitch, I think you need to develop the story conflict more and leave us with higher stakes at the end.

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