Sunday, February 23, 2014
Entry #41 - MUSIC OF THE NIGHT
Title: MUSIC OF THE NIGHT
Genre: NA supernatural
PITCH:
When eighteen-year-old aspiring opera singer, Ash, loses his first love—Isabette, his vocal coach—to a car crash, his devastation threatens to end his career. Until her ghost returns to him six months later.
Believing his love for Isabette is what brought her back, he allows her spirit to possess him. With her vocal guidance, she lands him a role in an upcoming opera. But when Isabette murders the male lead so Ash will get the role, he refuses to harbor her spirit any longer.
Furious, Isabette possesses Ash’s new love interest, Teagan and with time running out to return Teagan’s soul to her body, Ash must find a way to bury Isabette for good or risk losing the girl he truly loves forever.
FIRST LINE:
It took her six months to return from the grave.
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Love the premise of your story, but in reading it again, I'm a little confused about something. If Ash allows her spirit to possess him, and she murders the male lead - didn't Ash technically murder him? Or does she leave his body at will? Maybe a little clarification in the second paragraph would clear this up. Best of luck to you!!
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ReplyDeleteThis premise definitely intrigues me. Some thoughts...The first sentence reads a little clunky to me. I can certainly understand why you are throwing all of the info in there...I just think it would read more smoothly if you either break it up, or take some up. The other thing I'm not totally clear on...when she possesses him, is it like he is no longer there at all (I guess I'm thinking what possessed people are like on Supernatural, lol) What is HER motivation for wanting to possess him? Or why did she really come back? Maybe clearing that up would help too.
ReplyDeleteI like that you brought in another girl and that there is the added stake of danger there too. Again, I think the idea is great, very interesting, but I'd love to see some things just a little more clearly. Good luck!!! =)
What a unique and haunting premise!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments you've received. Maybe you can weave some of the info from the first sentence in later so it draws the reader in even faster. I think the last sentence will have more oomph if you break it into two sentences.
I think the description of Isabette is a bit awkward. For me "loses his first love and vocal coach—Isabette" would work better. It has the same number of words.
ReplyDeleteI find it a bit of a contradiction that he would believe his love has brought her back when he's already got a new love interest. To me that detracts from the concept a bit.
Best of luck.
Hi there! Two quick things:
ReplyDelete1. You might have a hard time pitching this book with its vague similarities to established works, i.e. Phantom of the Opera. If so, you could always try blending this concept with something else, and then using that comparison as a selling point. Maybe change the title, too. :)
2. The pitch left a few dots unconnected, for me. Is there a time limit for how long Isabette can inhabit a body? What happens if she stays longer? Also, when did Teagan become a love interest?
Regardless, you're off to a great start!
This was well written and I really understood the plot from the pitch. I loved how the stakes kept increasing.
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