Sunday, February 23, 2014

Entry #64 - DARKENWEAR, INC.: FEATHERS VS. SCALES



Title: DARKENWEAR, INC.: FEATHERS VS. SCALES

Genre: Upper MG fantasy/adventure


Pitch:

Thirteen-year-old Persephone Stone stumbles across a terrifying secret, the hottest fashion label on earth, DarkenWear Inc., is imprisoning magical creatures from another realm in its clothing and accessories line. Unicorns live in jacket linings, dragons warm the fingers of gloves, and goblins lurk in the shadowy folds of skirts. As Persephone starts investigating, she discovers that the nasty scar on her left arm is actually a dragon’s bite and she’s slowly transforming into a fire-breathing monster that’s sure to be on DarkenWear’s list for next season’s collection. Persephone must stop production before she, and every enchanted creature, is transformed into a designer handbag or a fabulous pair of shoes.

First sentence:

The vortex howled around the dilapidated Calvin Coolidge Middle School, throwing crows against the glass and filling the air with feathers. 

11 comments:

  1. Love this one so much! Great pitch and premise!

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  2. This seems very good...And I can't wait to read the book!!! You have really done a nice job here!

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  3. Nice revision. Your new pitch is fantastic. The premise and the stakes are crystal clear this time around. I would love to read this.

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  4. I want!! Your premise is so creative and the pitch is extremely well written. Love the first sentence, too. I wouldn't change a thing. I'd be shocked if an agent doesn't snatch this up soon! Good luck! :)

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  5. This is such a fabulous and UNIQUE concept! I can totally foresee future bidding wars over this story. The first line is gripping and while I initially paused over the language use, I think it works for Upper MG and shows your skill admirably. :)

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  6. Well done on the revised pitch and great first line. Not to mention the really cool fashion twist. ;)

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  7. I love this! Great job on the revision and best of luck to you.

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  8. This sounds so cute! I would love to read this to my monsters! Great pitch!

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  9. Love the originality of this! I do think the pitch needs some smoothing for pace, plot connection and grammar. The stakes are high and you communicate this well, but I'd also like you to allude as to how she makes this discovery--how does she stumble on the secret? Also, you might want to add some extra depth by showing an emotional connection to the creatures that are being imprisoned, because it helps this story plot rise about a general "help the mythological creatures" to "help these innocents (and possibly friends?) that happen to be mythological creatures" if that makes sense. I am assuming that she does feel something deep for these creatures and isn't just looking for a way to stop her own transformation & possible transition to being part of the clothing line. Also, is there a "face" we can put on the villain of this story, other than a clothing company? Just curious.

    As I said, very unique. :) Good luck!

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  10. Judge comment: The voice is great! I would love to know more about her turning into a dragon though. How does she feel about that? It's kind of put in as higher stakes for her finding the villains, but it's kind of a big deal on its own!

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