Title: The Quantum Chase
Genre: YA thriller
Pitch:
Cappie James, a nineteen-year-old American studying in London, has committed to babysitting – for one month – ten-year-old, adventure-crazy, possible spawn of Hell Nic Halliwell. At constant loggerheads with her charge, Cappie can hardly wait for her purgatory to end. Then Nic unwittingly comes into possession of plans for a revolutionary computer – a quantum computer – that can crack any security code. Any code. Three mysterious men, working in cahoots with London’s Metropolitan Police, try to kidnap Nic, and the girls are forced to flee. Chased across the English countryside, they search for answers and safety, but what they find are more questions and escalating danger. To save Nic as well as herself, and to uncover the truth of the conspiracies surrounding them, Cappie must find inner resources that will help her prevail over chaos and betrayal and -- most importantly –- allow her to embrace the most unlikely of friendships.
First sentence:
Cappie James, worn leather satchel slung over one shoulder, stepped onto the Euston Square Underground station escalator and pondered the possible legal penalties for confining a ten-year-old to her bed . . . preferably wrapped in chains and gagged.
I like this! Your first sentence of the pitch: Cappie James, a nineteen-year-old American studying in London, has committed to babysitting – for one month – ten-year-old, adventure-crazy, possible spawn of Hell Nic Halliwell. Needs some tightening. And you need a comma after the word Hell. I'd make sure to note that Nic is a girl early on because I thought she was a girl until the last part. Not sure the first sentence convey's the thriller aspect of the story. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your first sentence. Right away I can see how much of handful this girl is going to be.
ReplyDeleteLove the first line - lots of fun - and the pitch is engaging. I agree it could use a bit of tightening, but overall I think it sounds like a good read.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It is current and fun. My only suggestion is to make the last line of your pitch a bit less vague and abstract. I wanted more details and to really feel the stakes there--are their lives in danger? How? What is the friendship at the end? Love the first line of the book. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIs Nic a girl? I was confused when you said "the girls are forced to flee".
ReplyDeleteI think you can cut the full explinations a little in the begininng. We just need to know that they're being chased by people who want a powerful computer Nic has. We don't really need to know what it does or even that she has it right away. The suspense is better if you say they're after them, then explain why. Hopefully that makes sense.
I also think you could cut this sentence: "At constant loggerheads with her charge, Cappie can hardly wait for her purgatory to end." it doesn't really add anything to the story and is kind of wordy.
Overall it's a great concept!
About the first line: I might take off "bed", maybe in the closet or something? Because chained to the bed has automatic sexual connotations to me, and I doubt I'd be the only one (I swear, I do not read erotica haha)
This sounds so fun! I agree that a little work is needed, but I'm loving how unique this concept feels. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWhat I like: I love Americans in London! (confession: I also AM one, so… ; )
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: This feels a little synopsis-like. Also phrases like ‘escalating danger’ are too telling –make us feel the sense of danger for better impact.
Great job!
This sounds like a cool premise, and thrillers are in. I would question whether this is YA or NA considering the MC's age.
ReplyDeleteI found the first sentence was too long. I'd remove the bag reference and the ellipses.