tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post395319018964116954..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #68: THE QUANTUM CHASEMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-58156845438083707922014-02-21T21:57:53.394-05:002014-02-21T21:57:53.394-05:00This sounds like a cool premise, and thrillers are...This sounds like a cool premise, and thrillers are in. I would question whether this is YA or NA considering the MC's age. <br /><br />I found the first sentence was too long. I'd remove the bag reference and the ellipses. SM Johnstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-37313911055497159322014-02-21T13:12:29.714-05:002014-02-21T13:12:29.714-05:00What I like: I love Americans in London! (confessi...What I like: I love Americans in London! (confession: I also AM one, so… ; )<br /><br />What I would like: This feels a little synopsis-like. Also phrases like ‘escalating danger’ are too telling –make us feel the sense of danger for better impact.<br /><br />Great job!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-1205855004382611332014-02-20T12:18:05.289-05:002014-02-20T12:18:05.289-05:00This sounds so fun! I agree that a little work is ...This sounds so fun! I agree that a little work is needed, but I'm loving how unique this concept feels. :) Good luck!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8225291849030151402014-02-20T11:24:00.901-05:002014-02-20T11:24:00.901-05:00Is Nic a girl? I was confused when you said "...Is Nic a girl? I was confused when you said "the girls are forced to flee". <br /><br />I think you can cut the full explinations a little in the begininng. We just need to know that they're being chased by people who want a powerful computer Nic has. We don't really need to know what it does or even that she has it right away. The suspense is better if you say they're after them, then explain why. Hopefully that makes sense.<br />I also think you could cut this sentence: "At constant loggerheads with her charge, Cappie can hardly wait for her purgatory to end." it doesn't really add anything to the story and is kind of wordy.<br /><br />Overall it's a great concept!<br /><br />About the first line: I might take off "bed", maybe in the closet or something? Because chained to the bed has automatic sexual connotations to me, and I doubt I'd be the only one (I swear, I do not read erotica haha)Stacey Trombleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05093836904596108872noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-56712044027171208802014-02-19T20:23:51.625-05:002014-02-19T20:23:51.625-05:00I like this. It is current and fun. My only sugges...I like this. It is current and fun. My only suggestion is to make the last line of your pitch a bit less vague and abstract. I wanted more details and to really feel the stakes there--are their lives in danger? How? What is the friendship at the end? Love the first line of the book. Good luck!HEATHER LYNNE DAVIShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04324491728569039272noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-41554840266147887122014-02-19T17:17:13.060-05:002014-02-19T17:17:13.060-05:00Love the first line - lots of fun - and the pitch ...Love the first line - lots of fun - and the pitch is engaging. I agree it could use a bit of tightening, but overall I think it sounds like a good read. Deana J Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02399341150899559662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-31374760438228418662014-02-19T15:09:28.734-05:002014-02-19T15:09:28.734-05:00I really enjoyed your first sentence. Right away I...I really enjoyed your first sentence. Right away I can see how much of handful this girl is going to be. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-85799824375098681162014-02-19T13:14:06.893-05:002014-02-19T13:14:06.893-05:00I like this! Your first sentence of the pitch: Cap...I like this! Your first sentence of the pitch: Cappie James, a nineteen-year-old American studying in London, has committed to babysitting – for one month – ten-year-old, adventure-crazy, possible spawn of Hell Nic Halliwell. Needs some tightening. And you need a comma after the word Hell. I'd make sure to note that Nic is a girl early on because I thought she was a girl until the last part. Not sure the first sentence convey's the thriller aspect of the story. Good luck!Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.com