MS Title: The Adventures of the Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers
Genre: MG reluctant reader
150-word pitch:
The Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers are not boy crazy. They are not boy lovers. They are the greatest thing to happen to girls since the death of the maxi pad belt. Winnie, Lulu and Beta are budding feminists and kindred souls known to the world by their ironic, postmodern nickname “The Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers.” Their wild causes on behalf of womankind have inspired Isaac Newton Middle School for years.
On the eve of their 8-year friendship anniversary, the Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lovers’ world is suddenly upset by the addition of a boy in their lives. A Boy-Crazy-Boy-Lover and a boy? What will happen to life at Isaac Newton Middle? Winnie, Lulu and Beta have to decide how to reconcile their feminist ways with this newfound maybe-love.
First Sentence:
When I tried to tell my mother that my friends and I were celebrating our 8-year friendship anniversary with a school-wide bash to top all bashes and possibly inviting Tina Turner she just said, “That sounds great, Winnie, now eat your healthies.”
My main feedback is that this pitch doesn't sound very MG to me with talk of maxi pads and love.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence seems really long to me. Try reading it out loud - You can't get to the word said in one breath comfortably. Also 8 needs to be spelt out as eight.
Good luck with it.
I think there is a ton of potential in the idea of a group of MG neo-feminists, but I think the pitch could be improved. First, the maxi-pad belt line is funny, but I seriously doubt that middle-graders today even know what a maxi-pad belt is. Also, I think it would be funnier if rather than inspiring Isaac Newton Middle School, their exploits created havoc. I think SM is right about the reference to love seeming wrong for the age-group, maybe something lighter like crush would work better. Rebecca Stead's "When You Reach Me" describes an MG character's awakening interest in a boy in a very natural way - maybe check out how she describes it. Good luck and I love the first line.
ReplyDeleteThis was a hard one to score--nearly the entire first paragraph is spent explaining the (relatively long) name of the girls' group. As a result, I found it somewhat hard to follow. I think you could lose the first 3 sentences and end up with a tight, enticing pitch. Maybe use that space to tell us more about their antics? (Also wondered if this is historical, going by the reference to "the death of the maxi pad belt"? Not sure this would even be on a contemporary girl's radar) The second paragraph, however, shows the conflict very well and also has great voice. Kind of sounds like a MG "Ya-Ya Sisterhood"
ReplyDeleteJudge comment: This could be a great draw for MG aged girls, but I'm thinking it's a bit outdated? If it's historical, say so instead of reluctant reader. Also, can all the girls like the boy? If it's just one, is it about her and her choice? Clarify in the pitch.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a GREAT premise - the "all girls club" suddenly having to reconcile a boy in their midst - but I feel the language in this pitch doesn't match MG. Will words like feminist, ironic and postmodern appeal to an MG audience? Also, If they are only in middle school, how can they be having a 8 year reunion already?
ReplyDelete