Wednesday, February 19, 2014



Genre: MG Fantasy Adventure


Persephone Stone is thirteen and has no clue she’s becoming a dragon. She doesn’t remember being bitten as a child, though she’s haunted by the nasty scar down her left arm. But the arrival of Serpenestro, a mysterious green-and-white-haired boy, stirs lost memories and plunges Persephone into a conspiracy that threatens both our world and the DarkenWorld.

Enter DarkenWear Inc., the hottest fashion label taking over the two worlds, literally. Its evil secret: every piece in the DW collection is an imprisoned magical creature. Unicorns live in jacket linings, dragons warm the fingers of gloves, and goblins lurk in the shimmering folds of sequined skirts. It’s up to Persephone and friends—some who are really dragon agents in disguise—to stop production before every enchanted creature is transformed into a handbag or a fabulous pair of shoes, including Persephone.

First sentence:

The vortex howled around the dilapidated Calvin Coolidge Middle School, throwing crows against the glass and filling the air with feathers. 


  1. The two paragraphs don't seem to go together. I love the idea that magical creatures are being turned into fashion (well,not really but you know what I mean). The second paragraph really caught my interest. Maybe think about switching them around a bit.Start with the second paragraph as your first and add in the part about your main character turning into a dragon. Good luck!

  2. This sounds awesome. DarkenWear Inc. I so love this concept. I'm left wondering if Persephone will become a secret dragon agent? And I'm not sure if her change to a dragon is gradual or something she'll try to stop. I want to know what her becoming a dragon has to do with the rest of the story? Why is this point important? Is her turning into dragon something she will struggle with or something she'll embrace? Just some questions to get you thinking. I would love to read more!

  3. I like this idea a whole lot. With the first sentence, I might consider changing the art about the crows. Maybe something about feathers from the crows spiraling in s cyclone of black, rather than the idea of actual birds flinging into the building...unless the thrown birds is critical. Just a thought. Good luck!

  4. This sounds amazing. I want to read this, like now.

    The two pitch paragraphs outline the story and the issues facing the mc quite well.

    I think your first line could do more to draw me in, but it does set the tone for the book, and I can tell it'll be dark and ominous.

    Well done!

  5. Cool concept! The first line threw me though. Didn't feel like a middle grade voice to me at all. But I do love how visual and creepy feeling it is. I'd be curious to read the first page and see how it plays out. :) Good luck!

  6. First, I love, love the concept of this story!

    Pitch: You do a great job introducing the MC in your first paragraph, but you lose her when you describe DarkenWear. If you could twist this paragraph around so it’s from Persephone’s perspective (in a voicy way), you’ll nail this. Something like: When Persephone discovers DarkenWear, Inc. is turning imprisoned magical creatures into the hottest fashion label in both worlds, . . .. To her horror (only less cliché), unicorns live in jacket linings, . . .

    For your stakes, I think you could easily take out the “some who are really dragon agents in disguise,” only because it’s not fully explained why this matters for the pitch. And make it simpler so we don’t wonder who the friends are: Persephone and Serpenestro must stop production before every enchanted creature is transformed into designer dragon wear, including Persephone.

    I really like your first line; it shows the beauty of your writing, and makes me want to read more.
    All the best with it!

  7. I agree that the two pars don’t gel together well. I’d try combining the two and making it much simpler with something like:

    Thirteen-year-old Persephone Stone stumbles across a terrifying secret, the hottest fashion label on earth, DarkenWear, is imprisoning magical creatures from another realm into its collections. Unicorns live in jacket linings, dragons warm the fingers of gloves, and goblins lurk in the shimmering folds of sequined skirts. Persephone starts investigating and discovers that the nasty scar on her left arm is actually a dragon’s bite and this mean that she will be on DarkenWear’s list for next season’s collection. Persephone has to stop production before she, and every enchanted creature, is transformed into a handbag or a fabulous pair of shoes.

  8. I tried posting earlier today but it didn't work so I'll try again.

    I agree that the two paragraphs should be intertwined more. Try making the Darkwear part be through your characters perspect. How do she find out about them? Something like "When Persephone is attacked by agents of Darkwear Inc. the hottest fashion label ever, she learns ______... " This will make it feel less obrupt because it hasn't changed perspectives.

    I do love this concept, it's super cool! Good luck!

  9. What I like: I love ‘DarkenWear Inc.’ –the evil fashion company! Great!

    What I would like: I felt like the two paragraphs were too dissimilar as well. Also, the change to 1st person with ‘our’ took me out a little.

    Great job!


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