Title: The Beast of Gantu
Genre: NA/Adventure/Non-Magical Fantasy
Pitch:
Brynna is one of Norin’s elite snipers. She is undercover, attempting to steal the rifle that will turn the tide of the war. When her partner is shot, Brynna refuses to call off the mission; instead, she forms an alliance with a fellow officer and Marcus, a local glasswright. As the three struggle to procure the rifle and the men vie for her attention, Brynna encounters the horror left in the wake of the Beast of Gantu. She determines to kill the Beast and prove the capability of the rifle. Her hunt forces her to grapple with her motives, but when she learns to stand on her own, a heart-rending betrayal drives her to the edge of her strength where she must decide where her true loyalties lie.
First sentence:
Marcus leaned on the porch rail and welcomed the breeze after the stuffy warmth of the tavern.
A few notes:
ReplyDelete- a rifle on it's own doesn't sound like something that can turn the tide of a war. Obviously there's more too it, but not saying what it is detracts from the stakes of the pitch.
- what's a glasswright? I tried to google it and it's obviously a fantasy occupation. But you need to explain it because not everyone is going to have that level of fantasy knowledge.
Best of luck.
This feels as though it lacks a little flavor. It feels too 'telling' instead of wowing the audience with some 'show' and action. I think in part it's because the first thing the reader reads is what Brynna is. Period. She's a sniper. A fact like that isn't easy to connect with unless there's something that humanizes the character. Does she have a feature or quirk that sets her aside from other snipers? Use something like that to make the reader want to connect/relate to her.
ReplyDeleteAnd the subject of war - what is the war? Why should I care about it? Why does Brynna care? Is it that she's very loyal, or maybe it's revenge or some past pain or something. I think if you could briefly add a little to answer some of these questions, the pitch would be much stronger.
Also, to make room for some of these suggestions, you could take out the part where she joins forces with another officer and Marcus. If Marcus is the important one, then just mention him.
Best of luck!