Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #61: PALOMA AND THE BOW WOW BAR MITZVAH

Title: Paloma and the Bow Wow Bar Mitzvah

Genre: contemporary early middle grade

Pitch:  

Impulsive, fur-phobic, nine-year-old Paloma needs cash, fast. Pet-sitting a lost and most-likely dead cat isn't working out, so she turns herself upside down to come up with her newest venture, party planning. But when her first event turns out to be a Bar Mitzvah for a dog, Paloma ends up with a pooper-scooper full of trouble, including maybe losing her best friend. Paloma persists through the chaos, party crashers (they come for the herring) and yarmulke-eating guests.  And in the end, after the dripping destruction dries, Paloma's earned the cash and learned the value of friendship. 

First Line:  

Summer Vacation Rule Number One: if you’re trying to save the planet, don’t use left-over Easter egg dye as hair color. 

16 comments:

  1. Some great humor here! Definitely earned a grin from me. Good luck!

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  2. I really like your first line of your story and "popper-scooper full of trouble" in your query. As for your query you shouldn't give away the ending. Endings should be revealed in a synopsis where as a query pitch is suppose to intrigue the reader similar to what you would read on the jacket flap of a book. For a simple fix you could try cutting "including maybe losing her best friend" and tweak the next sentence "Can Paloma persist through the chaos, party crashers (they come for the herring) and yarmulke-eating guests to earn the cash she desperately needs or will she fail and lose her best friend in the process." - Just a suggestion though. Good luck!

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  3. Like the opening line. Be an interesting hook to use a rule for the beginning of each chapter.

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  4. This sounds hilarious! :) I'm definitely voting for you!

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  5. Very funny! Great young mg voice. "They come for the herring" cracked me up! Great job.

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  6. Thanks for the votes. Glad I could make you giggle. Thanks Rena for the suggestions on the pitch. I'll be revising if I get to the next round. I appreciate it.

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  7. I'd like some more emotional stakes.Why does she need cash? Other than not liking pets is the problem with the party? Give me some specific conflict and I'd be a little more sold.

    Its cute, I just think it could be a little more :)

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  8. I totally LOVE your premise. And your first line is hilarious! I can't wait to read this book :)

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  9. Extremely engaging! I'd read this book.

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  10. I love your first line and pooper-scooper full of trouble. Great voice!

    Can you raise the stakes at the end of the pitch, the way you'd see it on the back of a book? The end is great to include in a synopsis, but it's better to leave an agent or editor wanting to know more at the end of a query.

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  11. Great engaging first line. I would read this book

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  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  13. Great first line. This will be a good book.

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  14. What I like: Hilarious line>> ‘Pet-sitting a lost and most-likely dead cat isn't working out’

    What I would like: Some of the phrasing just confused me, for example ‘so she turns herself upside down to come up with her newest venture’ – the definition of ‘turn (sth) upside down’ is ‘to (cause something to) change completely and in a bad way’ (via Cambrideg online) which I’m not sure is what you meant. Also I didn’t get the herring joke : ( - poor me! It would also be nice to know why she needs cash so we feel a bit more invested.

    Great job!

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  15. I love this title, and the premise sounds really fun and totally dead-on for your audience. As Eliza mentioned, "turning herself upside down" is not a thing. Unless she's literally turning herself upside down, in which case I would mention that!
    I would also like to know why she needs the cash--it sounds like that could be a source of tension for the book, which would be great to see in the pitch. I would suggest cutting out the last line, like Mindy and Rena said, and give those words to explaining why she needs the cash.
    Good luck! This is exactly the kind of book I hope my son read when he gets old enough!

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