tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post3232494334828767333..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #61: PALOMA AND THE BOW WOW BAR MITZVAHMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-77487218560821004402014-02-22T01:53:03.764-05:002014-02-22T01:53:03.764-05:00Very cute. Good luck!Very cute. Good luck!noel elisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05782111159348994152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-61161493680142147352014-02-21T22:04:15.404-05:002014-02-21T22:04:15.404-05:00I love this title, and the premise sounds really f...I love this title, and the premise sounds really fun and totally dead-on for your audience. As Eliza mentioned, "turning herself upside down" is not a thing. Unless she's literally turning herself upside down, in which case I would mention that! <br />I would also like to know why she needs the cash--it sounds like that could be a source of tension for the book, which would be great to see in the pitch. I would suggest cutting out the last line, like Mindy and Rena said, and give those words to explaining why she needs the cash.<br />Good luck! This is exactly the kind of book I hope my son read when he gets old enough!Kara Reynoldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07147342389371681730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-60680384818279479862014-02-21T11:06:48.807-05:002014-02-21T11:06:48.807-05:00What I like: Hilarious line>> ‘Pet-sitting a...What I like: Hilarious line>> ‘Pet-sitting a lost and most-likely dead cat isn't working out’<br /><br />What I would like: Some of the phrasing just confused me, for example ‘so she turns herself upside down to come up with her newest venture’ – the definition of ‘turn (sth) upside down’ is ‘to (cause something to) change completely and in a bad way’ (via Cambrideg online) which I’m not sure is what you meant. Also I didn’t get the herring joke : ( - poor me! It would also be nice to know why she needs cash so we feel a bit more invested.<br /><br />Great job!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-37044883972754811162014-02-21T07:24:01.171-05:002014-02-21T07:24:01.171-05:00Great first line. This will be a good book.Great first line. This will be a good book.Gay N Lewishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12738509765741278866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-62968711848909215382014-02-21T07:20:29.590-05:002014-02-21T07:20:29.590-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.eFictionFindshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11361945941268319362noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-3989688322766647842014-02-21T03:56:27.731-05:002014-02-21T03:56:27.731-05:00Great engaging first line. I would read this bookGreat engaging first line. I would read this bookAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12825167357091518423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-37171318781910739692014-02-21T02:25:28.277-05:002014-02-21T02:25:28.277-05:00I love your first line and pooper-scooper full of ...I love your first line and pooper-scooper full of trouble. Great voice!<br /><br />Can you raise the stakes at the end of the pitch, the way you'd see it on the back of a book? The end is great to include in a synopsis, but it's better to leave an agent or editor wanting to know more at the end of a query. <br /><br />Mindy Alyse Weisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08771641311473178834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-80630367957028107402014-02-20T19:17:07.128-05:002014-02-20T19:17:07.128-05:00Extremely engaging! I'd read this book.Extremely engaging! I'd read this book.Lisa Lickelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07798980644446426574noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-72921088238284623832014-02-20T16:54:40.563-05:002014-02-20T16:54:40.563-05:00I totally LOVE your premise. And your first line i...I totally LOVE your premise. And your first line is hilarious! I can't wait to read this book :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15180941717770336949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-35504159980753147382014-02-20T15:54:48.615-05:002014-02-20T15:54:48.615-05:00I'd like some more emotional stakes.Why does s...I'd like some more emotional stakes.Why does she need cash? Other than not liking pets is the problem with the party? Give me some specific conflict and I'd be a little more sold. <br /><br />Its cute, I just think it could be a little more :) Stacey Trombleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05093836904596108872noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-42289098369528206342014-02-20T15:03:25.378-05:002014-02-20T15:03:25.378-05:00Thanks for the votes. Glad I could make you giggle...Thanks for the votes. Glad I could make you giggle. Thanks Rena for the suggestions on the pitch. I'll be revising if I get to the next round. I appreciate it.Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06515738513698526073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-32081443629901950552014-02-20T08:30:34.638-05:002014-02-20T08:30:34.638-05:00Very funny! Great young mg voice. "They come ...Very funny! Great young mg voice. "They come for the herring" cracked me up! Great job.<br />TwinB10https://www.blogger.com/profile/05735459053861635428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-16979528214014921652014-02-19T20:36:46.482-05:002014-02-19T20:36:46.482-05:00This sounds hilarious! :) I'm definitely votin...This sounds hilarious! :) I'm definitely voting for you!The Magic Violinisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08889060820055920735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-74929119493305991792014-02-19T18:54:00.952-05:002014-02-19T18:54:00.952-05:00Like the opening line. Be an interesting hook to u...Like the opening line. Be an interesting hook to use a rule for the beginning of each chapter.HL Carpenterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15354414831540191430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-83275852878793073042014-02-19T16:01:37.907-05:002014-02-19T16:01:37.907-05:00I really like your first line of your story and &q...I really like your first line of your story and "popper-scooper full of trouble" in your query. As for your query you shouldn't give away the ending. Endings should be revealed in a synopsis where as a query pitch is suppose to intrigue the reader similar to what you would read on the jacket flap of a book. For a simple fix you could try cutting "including maybe losing her best friend" and tweak the next sentence "Can Paloma persist through the chaos, party crashers (they come for the herring) and yarmulke-eating guests to earn the cash she desperately needs or will she fail and lose her best friend in the process." - Just a suggestion though. Good luck! rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-89042261825387376582014-02-19T14:18:17.129-05:002014-02-19T14:18:17.129-05:00Some great humor here! Definitely earned a grin fr...Some great humor here! Definitely earned a grin from me. Good luck!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.com