Title: Case File of a Tomboy Princess
Genre: Humorous Middle Grade Mystery
Pitch:
When something crawls out of the graveyard and moves into the house on the corner, Cozette’s BFF, Jimmy, bails on their campout. Who wants to be stolen out of their sleeping bag? Then Grandma threatens to cancel the campout after Cozette’s brush with the law. But Cozette’s not giving up. She’s forces a pinkie promise from Jimmy and sets out to solve the neighborhood mystery and get her s’mores and sleeping bags. But a mystery this big needs a better outfit. Disguised in borrowed pink heels and a rock star wig, she and Jimmy collect evidence. But the evidence reveals a bearded mailman killer and a plot against her mortal enemy, Scarlett. Now Cozette must decide the impossible. Will she risk everything to rescue Scarlett ? And if so, should she go it alone or does she need her scaredy cat BFF and their annoying little brothers for back up?
First Line:
It’s not easy to escape from the long arm of the law, and it’s impossible to escape from Grandma.
I like your title, the premise of your story and the first sentence. I think the pitch needs tightening. You're trying to tell too much of the story and it's a little confusing. The beginning of the pitch is pretty good. It gets wordy in the middle. Also, what is Cozette risking to rescue Scarlett?
ReplyDeleteThis is a fun young mg story and I wish you luck.
I'm a bit confused. Does she need to go on this campout to solve the mystery? I wasn't sure why it mattered that Grandma threatened to cancel the campout. "When something crawls out of the graveyard and moves into the house on the corner" - Do they witness this? What happens next? Do people go missing or is just the threat of being stolen out of their sleeping bags? Or is the mystery more about what's living in the house on the corner?
ReplyDeleteMaybe if I'm understanding this right you could simplify this a bit. Here's a suggestion: "When something crawls out of the graveyard and moves into the house on the corner, Cozette is determined to discover who or what it is. But a mystery this big needs a better outfit. Disguised in borrowed pink heels and a rock star wig, she and Jimmy collect evidence. But the evidence reveals a plot against her mortal enemy, Scarlett. Now Cozette must decide will she risk everything (expand on what she's risking) to rescue Scarlett ? - Maybe gives us a descriptor or two about Scarlett (is this person a bully or something?)
I love mysteries and I've heard agents are looking for mysteries. Good luck with this!
I love your first line. But I'm a sucker for Grandma's. Good luck. I voted for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the pitch needs clarifying, but I love the first line and title and the hints of humor. Sounds like a fun read!
ReplyDeleteI agree. I was confused by the pitch. What exactly are they trying to solve? What crawled out of the graveyard? What brush with the law and how does it all connect with the camping trip?
ReplyDeleteI think this pitch is suffering from being too close. It makes sense to you because you know all the peices inbetween but we need all the basics to get it. Good luck! Sounds like a cute story.
What I like: I love the title and this line ‘When something crawls out of the graveyard and moves into the house on the corner’ (although I’d like to know what ‘something’ is).
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: Overall, the pitch left me confused - a campout, then a mystery, then a mailman- I didn’t see how they fit together. Also, there were a few vague bits ‘something’ crawls out of the ground, a ‘neighborhood mystery’ –but what is it?
Great job!
This sounds like a really fun read and I loved the first line! However, the pitch was confusing, as others noted. The first three lines all point in different directions. Who saw the thing crawl out of the graveyard and into the house on the corner? Has anyone been kidnapped recently (to make them think being stolen out of their sleeping bag is a possibility)? And what "brush with the law" is being referenced? I think you've got all the elements of a fantastic pitch, but it just needs to be more cohesive. Good luck to you!!
ReplyDeleteFunny first line! I like the premise, and wish you luck!
ReplyDelete