Sunday, February 23, 2014



Genre: YA Near-Future Thriller

In 2107, two very different teenagers threaten to shatter the money-making machine of Nova Vita, an anti-technology cult with the key to unlimited solar power.

Plagued by her OCD, Eve Thomas is already on edge when her brother contracts a disease the cult won’t treat for religious reasons.

Migrant laborer Mana Aquino left Manila’s slums for work in Nova Vita years ago. Now he’s determined to kill the bishop who made a sacrifice of his sister. He just can’t get anywhere near his prey.

But when Mana learns about Eve’s photographic memory, he realizes she’s the weapon he’s been missing. He offers to smuggle medicine to her brother, if she’ll serve as his human camera, gathering information that could topple the bishop. If Eve accepts, she’ll commit a crime that could destroy the only home she’s ever known. If she says no, her beloved brother’s as good as dead.

First sentence:
Mama and I struggle to keep my sister in the kitchen chair so the medics can find a vein and fill a vial with her blood.


  1. This sounds like a gripping story and the OCD will really have an impact on how she goes about things. Great job!

  2. I like this alot! I agree with Carl about the OCD. It's a unique perspective!

  3. I know this is just a glimpse into your story, but I found myself wanting to know more! That is a good thing! How does Mana come to know about Eve's memory? How did the two of them connect? It sounds very intriguing.

    One thing stopped me for a second. After reading the pitch about Mana, I had to look twice at the word Mama in your first line. Not bad, but it made me pause. Maybe there is a way to change that first sentence a bit. I might be the only one who questioned those words though, so follow what you think is right.

  4. Firstly, you have a very unique premise, which is refreshing. Your character names are pretty cool, too. I anticipate lots of tension and action throughout the story from your pitch, which is very good.

    Now, about what you can tweak: I'm thinking you could come up with more powerful adjectives than very and different. Think. Tell me in two words something about them, something that will make me pause and see and feel their difference. You can do it. I also think it would be more effective if you used Eve’s photographic memory during your initial introduction to her. Then reference it at the end, just using something else like 'her gift' or something.

    There's loads of interesting information in the remainder of the pitch. You say a lot in a little space. I think a little too much at points. For example: you don't need to reference 'Manila’s slums' unless you plan on using it elsewhere in the pitch. It's a lot for the reader to digest. The third section is also crammed with info - there's who Mana is, where he comes from, where he is now, what he's doing there, why he has an ax to grind, and then something about his prey. Simplify with what's MOST important to your story - the skeletal foundation.

  5. Judge 3, thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it!


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