tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2089053774175178282..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #46 - THE ELDER RACEMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-44127276304131222014-02-28T15:54:42.659-05:002014-02-28T15:54:42.659-05:00I'm intrigued and want to read more!I'm intrigued and want to read more!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08922892814555571705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-86170319542349987972014-02-27T19:23:19.775-05:002014-02-27T19:23:19.775-05:00Thank you for the suggestions! I have 'her sis...Thank you for the suggestions! I have 'her sister' in my original query, but cut the word sister to meet the word count. Love the suggestions and running to fix it now. Nat Neaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05930034798293905087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-67772000860465874042014-02-27T18:45:43.597-05:002014-02-27T18:45:43.597-05:00Ooh, she's the first to live. Like those stake...Ooh, she's the first to live. Like those stakes! I also enjoyed the voice. It was friendly, yet spiced with some sass. Nice. <br /><br />Last line, first paragraph: I'd change 'with a killer smile and authority issues, who helps her fight off another attack.' I'm being nitpicky here, but I like this. Why is there romance forbidden? Is it stated somewhere, written in gold or the stars... What I'm getting at is the fact that it's forbidden really important or is it just a secondary issue? Is it part of your high stakes? If not, simply come up with another adjective. Also, I think I'd add 'her sister' to that last line instead of just using the word 'her'. I had to read it a few times to make sure I understood correctly. Nicely done. Best of luck!AYAP Judge Threehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12139128632933868831noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-47858064243585768882014-02-27T13:58:23.171-05:002014-02-27T13:58:23.171-05:00thank you :Dthank you :DNat Neaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05930034798293905087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-1274590660162733112014-02-27T10:28:00.650-05:002014-02-27T10:28:00.650-05:00I've never considered that before. Thanks for ...I've never considered that before. Thanks for mentioning it. Nat Neaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05930034798293905087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8344051261802430972014-02-27T02:08:54.942-05:002014-02-27T02:08:54.942-05:00I'm loving the first line and the touch of hum...I'm loving the first line and the touch of humour in your query. "And they fight off another attack" at the end of paragraph 2 doesn't seem to fit with the sentence. Perhaps delete that and gives us a few words explaining why their love is forbidden. Good luck! rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-83411319975746018892014-02-24T14:36:16.933-05:002014-02-24T14:36:16.933-05:00Love love love this! Great job!Love love love this! Great job!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16057140354020979970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-89112148112047772192014-02-24T08:54:58.125-05:002014-02-24T08:54:58.125-05:00Thanks! My MC is really not happy about her phone ...Thanks! My MC is really not happy about her phone dying. I always hate it when it happens to me. Nat Neaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05930034798293905087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8886820800715317422014-02-24T08:54:11.563-05:002014-02-24T08:54:11.563-05:00Thank you! I think we've all been there.Thank you! I think we've all been there. Nat Neaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05930034798293905087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-82463028574661803572014-02-24T08:53:48.837-05:002014-02-24T08:53:48.837-05:00Thanks Kathy!Thanks Kathy!Nat Neaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05930034798293905087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-77403376185211001602014-02-24T08:53:34.883-05:002014-02-24T08:53:34.883-05:00I don't know what I did, but I somehow removed...I don't know what I did, but I somehow removed my comment by mistake. I shouldn't play on the computer before I have coffeeNat Neaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05930034798293905087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-83343946346472395092014-02-24T00:32:50.068-05:002014-02-24T00:32:50.068-05:00Very good first line! The specific details and hum...Very good first line! The specific details and humor really make it shine.Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-86710618247581801072014-02-23T20:38:41.996-05:002014-02-23T20:38:41.996-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Nat Neaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05930034798293905087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8335336397480082412014-02-23T17:01:12.033-05:002014-02-23T17:01:12.033-05:00I really like the first sentence!I really like the first sentence!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07386180797587599374noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-85117832954915579202014-02-23T15:05:28.959-05:002014-02-23T15:05:28.959-05:00Wow, this is such an improvement (and it was prett...Wow, this is such an improvement (and it was pretty dang intriguing to start with). The story is so much clearer now, we still get a sense of your main character, and the stakes are clearly outlined. I love the POW of the first lines of the pitch, and the first line of the story is something relatable, with a touch of humor, that immediately places us in a contemporary setting. Well done!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.com