Title: DetnoGirl
Genre: Middle Grade/Contemporary Fantasy
Pitch:
Unbeknownst to 13-year-old Honey Wilson, her superpower genes are being unlocked by the government. When things start becoming dust in her hands, and Honey is transferred to Hidden Hill Junior High, a secret campus where Honey can learn to control her newfound power of disintegration. Instead, everything is disintegrating… her grades, her style, her social life, mechanical pencils, and volleyballs. Then in Honey’s science class, Bart’s ice powers start creeping up his arm and later Coach Clark starts choking. Soon everyone’s (normal) superpowers are backfiring and Honey is convinced it’s because of her. After all, didn’t she ruin Alex’s power during P.E. a couple weeks ago? But Honey knows she’s not really a villain… is she?
First Sentence:
Honey Wilson charged into position, as the ball flew over the net.
What I like: Interesting idea and this is a fun line ‘Instead, everything is disintegrating… her grades, her style, her social life, mechanical pencils, and volleyballs.’
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: But I feel like we could get more of an idea of the stakes. Also, this line confused me ‘Then in Honey’s science class, Bart’s ice powers start creeping up his arm and later Coach Clark starts choking.’
Great work!
I'm already re-visioning my opening sentence. The "as" is bothering me. Maybe two sentences? "Honey Wilson charged into position. The ball was already flying over the net." Of course, you would only see one of them, but I think that would be OK.
ReplyDeleteThanks Eliza West, for your thoughts! :) I was trying to give examples of superpowers backfiring, but maybe I just need to say that the because of the backfiring powers people are getting seriously hurt, and then say how Honey thinks she's doing it.
This is an awesome contest!
I agree with Eliza, clarifying a few things in the pitch will go a long way here. Sounds like an awesome concept though! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input. :) I'm on it!
DeleteLove the central question here--is she a villain or not?? Great premise.
ReplyDeleteThis line made me stumble because it is not a complete sentence:
When things start becoming dust in her hands, and Honey is transferred to Hidden Hill Junior High, a secret campus where Honey can learn to control her newfound power of disintegration.
You could replace When with Then and it would make more sense. Good luck!
Typo! Thanks for catching it. :)
DeleteThank you also for mentioning that you like the central question. I almost killed it completely for another question, and realized that it needs to stay too. Thanks again!
DeleteI learned a lesson today. When you rework a pitch, don't send it right away. And send it to yourself first. I fixed one typo and put another one in. Then I sent it off and realized my email had changed the text of the pitch to a different font. Arggh. So, if I do make it into the top 50, pretend other's is actually others' (Maybe your brain will auto-correct?)
ReplyDeleteThis is right up my alley. Honey reminded me of Rogue from X-Men which concerns me that your story is too similar to the X-Men storyline. But I haven't read your story. I think the fact the government is unlocking her genes makes your story different enough from what I know from the X-Men series. And perhaps you could use that as a selling point (a novel for readers who enjoy X-Men). Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteWhoa, I've never seen or read X-Men. It's so cool, that you thought of a series I hadn't considered. I was worried people would think it was too close to Sky High, so maybe it will be Sky High meets X-Men. I'm going to look into that and see if that's a good comparison.
Delete