Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #22: DWARFED


Title: Dwarfed

Genre: YA Contemporary romance

Pitch:


Sixteen year old Grace Sullivan has never let her dwarfism bother her. She has more important things to worry about, like working as a court jester at the Renaissance Faire and developing new tricks for her magic show she performs in. When her parents enroll her in public school, Grace discovers others can’t overlook her height. To her classmates she’s an oddity, a freak.
Luke Searc, a cute hog farmer, is the only person who recognizes there’s more to Grace than a number on a measuring stick. His laid-back attitude allows Grace to relax and be herself. Somehow, amid feeding pigs, drives to and from school, and long discussions about Shakespeare, things change. Grace starts looking at Luke as more than a friend. It’s a horrifying realization. She knows the odds of a guy, especially one as great as Luke, being attracted to a girl like her, are impossibly long.  

First Line:

I'd give my right arm for a guillotine.

9 comments:

  1. The first line is PERFECTION. Short but compelling. Humor with a touch of horror, and it hints at an awesome character voice I already want to hear more of.

    The pitch is awesome too. I'm hugely intrigued by your story concept. I think you could illustrate the stakes better though. What happens if Luke isn't interested too? How will that affect your character? I mean yes, the answer is pretty obvious, but for clarification's sake, I think it would be good to spell it out. But in your character's awesome voice perhaps. Something unique and specific to her not just, "Grace will be heartbroken is Luke doesn't share her feelings." Because that would be boring. :P I have a feeling you could do much better.

    Good luck! You have my vote!

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  2. This is fantastic! I love the premise, and the first line is great.

    I agree with Kimberly about the stakes. Spell it out for us. Is the problem that she will lose the only friend she has at school? (Also very small, nit-picky thing, but I would prefer "rides to and from school" over "drives to and from school.")

    I love this so very, very much.

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  3. What I like: I also LOVE this.

    What I would like: But I agree about the stakes, a little more ‘pow!’ at the end would make this perfect.

    Great work!

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  4. Aw! This is totally interesting and adorable. I'd like to see a little bit more of the obstacles Grace would have to deal with, but besides that, this sounds so cute. And a cute hog farmer? So unique. I love it

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  5. I'd read it THIS INSTANT!!!

    The *only* quibble I have with the any of it, is the last line. It sort of threw me out of the story when I got to 'are impossibly long.' I think it's because you've made the fact that Grace doesn't think in terms of being smaller than most everyone else, and that everyone else only sees her in terms of being extra short. Then to put a term of measurement in there in regard to the chances of Luke liking 'a girl like her' not only takes away from the focus of measurements being about Grace and how others see her, but it also reverses her own perception of herself from 'not any different' to 'I'm not as good as an 'average' girl, not as desirable as other girls'. I feel like it's more of a situation where Grace is panicking over her attraction to Luke because she's thinking 'He doesn't notice I'm any different than anyone else as his FRIEND, but can he think of me as a girlfriend without focusing on my size?'

    Maybe you could flip that last sentence to both define the stakes of Grace acting on her attraction to Luke, and clarify that she wants him to see her as girlfriend material with the same un-judging nature he sees her with as a friend.

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  6. This sounds great! I only have two suggestions: I think you should change "her magic show she performs in" to simply "her magic show" to tighten things up a bit, and I'm with everyone else on wanting a greater sense of the stakes near the end of the pitch.

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  7. First Line: Amazing!!!

    I am very intrigued by your pitch. As a Middle school teacher, I have dealt with students who are self conscious about everything from their height to weight, to hair, to...you name it. I almost can't wait to see how this pans out....which leads me to wanting to know more about the stakes...as others have said. I actually want to know more about what to expect with the relationship. Ups and downs, trust, love, self confidence. Just a bit more! Good luck!

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  8. I so love this. The first line grabbed me right away. What's at stake though if she doesn't get the boy?

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  9. Um, yes. Love this! You have my vote!

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