Wednesday, February 19, 2014


Title: Where the Witches and the Brontosaurs Roam 

Genre: MG fantasy 


Fiorella Merafin is a young girl caught up in a war. When her parents are deployed, she is sent to a boarding school to get her safely away from the front lines. After the war takes a turn for the worse and her school ends up in harm's way, she must go from protected to protector in order to keep her family and friends safe. Where the Witches and the Brontosaurs Roam is a middle grade fantasy novel, complete at 77,000 words. 

Opening Sentence: 

The carcasaurus had several notable features: gargantuan clawed flippers, a short neck, and a crocodile-style mouth that was large enough to swallow young children whole.


  1. What I like: I like the idea of boarding school and the war.

    What I would like: But overall I found it too vague; I would love to see more of what makes this story unique.

    Great work!

  2. The title caught my attention, but the pitch didn't have anything to do with it. I would have liked to have seen a connection. I think you can expand the pitch by letting us know what's at stake, what harm is threatening her family.
    Great first line!
    Good luck.

  3. I really like the idea, but I want to know more about Fiorella- what kind of person she is, so I can root for her and really get behind her as a person. I agree with Eliza that it seems a bit too vague, but you have room to add personality :)

  4. Definitely need some more details here but it sounds like such a fun story! :)

  5. Thank you all for the comments. I'll definitely incorporate your suggestions as I submit to agents.

    You're all the best.

  6. I like the first line. The query worked for me but the title left me wondering. I didn't get the sense this was a fantasy novel from the query. Can you introduce some of the fantasy elements in the query?

  7. Nice first line-yipes! Is the war you mention in the query between fantastical creatures? if so, highlighting this aspect may tie the fantasy in to your pitch? Good luck-


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