Wednesday, February 19, 2014



Genre: NA supernatural


When eighteen-year-old aspiring opera singer, Ash, loses his first love---Isabette--- to a car crash, he is devastated. Until her ghost returns to him six months later.

Believing his love for her is what brought her back, he allows her spirit to possess him. With her guidance, she lands him a role in an upcoming opera. But when Ash learns Isabette murdered the male lead so Ash got the role instead, he tries to force her out. That’s when Isabette sets her sights on possessing Teagan, Ash’s best friend and new love interest.

Unable to stop Isabette’s ghost when she takes over Teagan’s body, Ash seeks the help of a priest to perform an exorcism. When it doesn’t work, and as time runs out on restoring Teagan’s spirit to her body, Ash must find a way to bury Isabette for good or risk losing the girl he truly loves forever.


It took her six months to come back from the dead. 


  1. This is a really awesome concept! I feel like your first line doesn't do justice to the pitch though. Your MC's girlfriend coming back from the dead is a great hook, but I don't think the first line is the best place to introduce it. This information will mean so much more if we know who "her" is. It's great to start your story off with a bang, yes, but sometimes it's even better to introduce the character you're going to bang up first. :)

  2. I love this concept as well, but I actually felt the exact opposite of Kimberly. I liked the first line a lot, but thought the pitch could be stronger. I wanted to get a clearer picture of how this possession works. How can being possessed by your dead girlfriend improve your opera singing? Did Isabette murder the male lead while she was in Ash's body and, if so, why wasn't he aware of it as it was happening? You also might consider condensing the second half to make it more punchy. How about "But when Ash learns Isabette murdered the male lead, he refuses to harbor her spirit any longer. Furious, Isabette possesses Teagan, Ash’s best friend and new love interest. As Teagan’s spirit fades, Ash must find a way to bury Isabette for good or risk losing the girl he truly loves forever."? Just some thoughts, but again I really do love the concept - opera singing, vengeful ghosts, young love - I'd absolutely pick that up of the shelf.

  3. I do love this premise. I love Rebecca's suggestions on how to tighten up the second half and make clear what is happening to Teagan and why time is running out. I'm not sure you're starting your story off in the right place. Does your story start immediately at the time Isabette posses Ash? Yes, you want to start in action, but I think you should let the reader get to know Ash before he is possessed. If you don't already, you should show his life before Isabette returns. Show us his struggles, his interaction with the lead singer and his new love interest, and then show us how his life changes once she possesses him.

    From your first line, you make the reader believe you are going to just jump in and not ground us in Ash's world first. If that's not the case, I'd change that first line.

    Love, LOVE this premise. I hope this helps.

  4. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the pitch. The stakes and story is clear and I want to read more NOW!
    Amazing first line. So intrigued to see what happens next :-)

  5. Great premise! Love it.

    I agree with most of the comments here, especially that this pitch is begging for a bigger hook.

    The majority of the pitch is solid. The only part that threw me is when you added the priest and the exorcism. I think you would still have the same punch if you kept it simple - "Isabette possesses Teagan and with time running out, Ash must figure out a way to bury her for good..."

    Great, tight writing and a thrilling premise! Way to go!

  6. What I like: What a unique concept and this line intrigued me, ‘Believing his love for her is what brought her back, he allows her spirit to possess him.’

    What I would like: I was also thrown by the exorcist.

    Great job!


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