Title: The Edge of the Universe
Genre: YA Fantasy
Pitch:
Mabel can’t accept that her sister is dead. Despite her missing for months, Mabel hasn’t given up hope and begins a quest to search to the ends of the universe for her, and that’s exactly where she ends up. The strange land of Asdir, also known as The Edge of the Universe, is a world where magic runs wild and unchecked.
There she meets a boy, Edwin, on his own quest to avenge the death of his sister. Together they team up when they realize the person who killed Edwin’s sister and kidnapped Mabel’s is the same man, Emperor Thaddeus. But there’s something more that Thaddeus wants than just to hurt their sisters. They’re just a means to an end and he’ll kill anyone who gets in his way. Edwin and Mabel must destroy him first before Thaddeus can kill them and destroy everything left that they hold dear.
First Sentence: There she meets a boy, Edwin, on his own quest to avenge the death of his sister. Together they team up when they realize the person who killed Edwin’s sister and kidnapped Mabel’s is the same man, Emperor Thaddeus. But there’s something more that Thaddeus wants than just to hurt their sisters. They’re just a means to an end and he’ll kill anyone who gets in his way. Edwin and Mabel must destroy him first before Thaddeus can kill them and destroy everything left that they hold dear.
Edwin Holland of Asdir was naked when the first explosion went off.
‘The Edge of the Universe’ seems like an interesting place but there are quite a few grammatical errors, which will make readers wonder if the MS is ready- make sure it is!
ReplyDeleteI also think it would help if you defined elements more –for example, the line ‘there’s something more that Thaddeus wants’ is too vague. I want to know what makes your story unique.
Great job!
Some interesting elements here for sure! Wow. Definitely could use a little more clarity in the pitch though, like Eliza recommended. And the first line was a bit jarring for me. Random naked man and explosions going off in the background, okay then! And I was expecting to the story to start with Mabel because the pitch did, so maybe rearrange the pitch accordingly? I think with a bit of work this could be really fabulous. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to be more grounded in this world in the beginning. I have no idea what kind of world it is. At first I assume a contemporary setting because that's just where my mind is naturally. Then I think outer space because of the whole "end of the universe" thing. Can you tell us more about this world?
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to know what Thaddeus goal actually is. I don't quite feel as invested by "he's up to something big!", than if you told us exactly what he was trying to do.
Just some thoughts! Good luck!
I really like this pitch. If I saw it on the back of book cover, it's definitely something I'd buy. My only concern is the opening sentence, it might be fine when combined with others, but right now, it doesn't make me feel connected to the story or the character. To keep me reading, it would have to be followed up by a killer second sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like this world at the end of the unvierse. Neat. I'm a bit confused if Edwin's sister is dead then how can the emperor hurt her anymore? Perhaps use Mabel's sister instead of their sisters.
ReplyDelete