Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #39: DRAGON BAIT

TITLE: Dragon Bait

GENRE: YA Fantasy


It’s 1956, the world runs on dragon magic, and powerful half-human, half-dragon Senator McCarthy is in the midst of his campaign to rid America of the traitorous Reds.

Moura Pearce watches Senator McCarthy's television show every Thursday. The whole country does. Moura's curled up on the couch next to her best friend when creepy, dragon-eyed McCarthy singles out her dad as a communist traitor. Moura runs home, only to find a fire blazing with her parents inside. After pulling her parents from the fire, they all must flee. “For her own good,” Moura is abandoned with her snobby old aunt.

Moura knows who's responsible even if he didn't light the match himself. McCarthy might think he's all-powerful. He might even have huge, fire-breathing dragons on his side. But Moura doesn’t have much left to lose.


The magic of television can ruin your life.


  1. What I like: I love stories that rewrite history with magical elements.

    What I would like: We have what she’s up against and some of her motive, but what is she going to do about it? Feels a little vague to me.

    Great job!

  2. This is a fascinating concept! I do wonder about the possible legal ramifications of using an actual historical personage as the villain in a work of fiction. A name change might be needed in order for this to be saleable. But really, the whole concept is brilliant. The stakes were a bit fuzzy for me, because Moura does have more to lose. If this evil senator was willing to kill her parents, that means facing up to him could mean death. She wants to bring him down for driving her family into hiding and burning their house to the ground and nearly killing them, but why is she willing to risk her life to do it? I feel like we need to see a stronger motivation than revenge here. Other than that, I think this is fabulous and would love to read more. :) Good luck!

  3. I love this! Great job! It has a bit of a V for Vendetta feel to me which is like one of my favorite movies so yes yes yes!

  4. I like this. I was bit confused at first as I wasn't sure if Reds was referring to people or to dragons or to half-dragons. In your last paragraph perhaps tighten a bit. Maybe try "Moura knows McCarthy is responsible…etc..I'm wondering if part of the reason Moura goes after McCarthy is because she wants to be reunited with her family and/or clear her father's name? If so perhaps focus on that in your query because that's a pretty good reason to risk her life. Or does she feel her family abandoned her on purpose? Because wanting revenge is pretty good reason too.


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