Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #25: TRAVELER

Title: Traveler 

Genre: MG 

Pitch: 

 Have you ever wanted something do badly that you would do anything to get it? Set in modern times, twelve-year-old Tommy has but one desire in his life: to find his absent father. With the help of his best friend, Nick, they discover evidence that Tommy’s father is actually a time-traveler from England during the reign of Henry VIII! Together, they use the magical amulet they find in his mother’s forbidden box to travel to the year 1540 and look for him. After being captured, held in the Tower of London by Henry’s soldiers and being chased by the evil Abraham, Tommy, Nick, and their teacher, Mr. Barnhart, travel across Tudor England in pursuit of the one person who Tommy has always longed to meet: his father, all the while evading Abraham and his family who will stop at nothing to take the magic back. 

 First Sentence: 

William quietly grabbed his sword, ever-present at his side, and sat up, waiting for the source of the noise to show itself.

8 comments:

  1. I don't think you need the first line of your pitch. You can start with the second. Not knowing who Abraham is and how he is connected to the magic is confusing. Also, you repeat Tommy's desire to meet or find his father so I think you can leave that out to tighten up the pitch.

    In your first sentence, I'd leave out the word quietly and ever-present at his side which tightens it up and makes it more tense and immediate.
    Interesting premise and setting. Good luck.

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  2. What I like: I love the Tudor angle

    What I would like: But it does feel a bit like listing events – I would love more voice and focus. Also, I would break up that last line as it’s a tough one to get around.

    Great job!

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  3. Thanks! I really appreciate seeing it through different eyes. :)

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  4. Already some good advice given here so I won't repeat. Looks like an interesting concept! Good luck. :)

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  5. Thanks, Kimberly!

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  6. What's the genre? Make sure to mention that in your query. Cut the first line as that can turn agents right off and really isn't needed. As others have mentioned, I didn't understand why Abraham wanted the magic back? And what's at stake if Tommy fails? Will Abraham use the magic to change the future; will Tommy get stuck in the past? etc. Good luck with this.

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