Wednesday, February 19, 2014


Title: Defender of the Kingdom

MG adventure


Cinderella meets the Scarlet Pimpernel as fifteen-year-old Elaina must find and restore her cousin,  the rightful King, to his throne before the usurper king kills her father or her stepmother sends her to another kingdom to marry. Along the way, Elaina finds some unexpected help as she finds true love,  saves her family,  and is named "Defender of the Kingdom".

First Sentence: 

She was the ugliest female I had ever seen, until her daughters followed her out of the coach.


  1. Your first sentence is absolutely hilarious - loved it, loved it, loved it! In contrast, I felt the pitch was a little generic. There are lots of stories about brave young women saving kingdoms; I want to see what makes your heroine and your kingdom different. I also liked the idea of Cinderella meets the Scarlet Pimpernel, but I wasn't sure if it fit your plotline - I was picturing something like a seemingly downtrodden servant girl secretly dons outrageous disguises to save innocent victims from the gallows of the usurper king (which maybe is what happens). So I'd make the connections between your mash-up description and the plot description clearer.

  2. I agree with Rebecca. You're pitch does not do your first sentence justice. You might try writing the pitch in first-person, as if Elaina was writing a friend/agent/publisher, then translate that into 3rd person trying to keep as much of Elaina's voice as possible.

  3. What I like: Interesting mesh – ‘Cinderella meets the Scarlet Pimpernel’

    What I would like: I would love for the pitch to be less vague so I can see more of what makes the story unique. And another vote for more voice!

    Great work!

  4. I echo the comments about the pitch but gotta chime in and say the first line is HILARIOUS. Great opening hook. Pulls me right in!

  5. I also loved the opening line. Your first sentence of your query is a bit of mouthful. Can you break it up a bit? I think you could put a period after Pimpernel, get rid of 'as' and start another sentence with fifteen-year-old etc.

  6. LOL on your opening line. Maybe a little more Elaina flavor in the pitch- your funny tone from the first line-
    Good luck!


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