Title: THE KILLING MISTS
Genre: YA, light fantasy
Pitch:
Sixteen-year-old Valdís Pálsdóttir and her best friend Sven Jonsson aren’t heroes. They’re just two best friends, like anyone else in Thule. But when they witness, and miraculously survive, the killing mists’ return from legend into their lives, they refuse to live like prisoners while the killing mists come and go, asphyxiating anyone caught in the open.
Determined to chase down the myth’s truths, Valdís and Sven set north for the glaciers where the killing mists are said to live. The journey is long, cold, and unpredictable. The killing mists know Valdís and Sven’s goal, and will stop at nothing to prevent them from reaching the glaciers. Even with the friends they make along the way, Valdís and Sven aren’t sure if they’ll succeed, or simply be another tally in the killing mists’ ledger.
First sentence:
The sky hemorrhaged at the edges, bleeding onto the silhouettes of the trees lining the marshes.
What I like: Nice prose in your opening line.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: I would love for the pitch to be more defined so I can see more of what makes the story unique beyond friends-journey-to-mountains-to-fight-evil.
Great work!
Thank you! I can see the need for more clarity. I'll keep tweaking it!
DeleteThe opening line is gorgeous. Truly. But as Eliza pointed out, the pitch is lacking in clarity. Try stripping away the plot elements and getting to the heart of things. Instead of telling us the plot points, who us who your characters are and what they want. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kimberly! Reading the other pitches has helped too. I'll definitely work on bring out the core of the story here :)
DeleteThis sentence " But when they witness, and miraculously survive, the killing mists’ return from legend into their lives, they refuse to live like prisoners while the killing mists come and go, asphyxiating anyone caught in the open." Felt a bit like a run one. Like it should have stopped after the first "mist" and then it just kept going and going and going. I'd try at least breaking it up into more manageable pieces.
ReplyDeleteI kind of wish there was more of an emotional stake with the mist too. They go after this mythical mist that kills people on contact, just because they don't want it to come for them? Feels like there should be another reason, a bigger reason. But it might just be the way its presented too.
Over all, very cool concept but I think it could shine even more than it does now!
Hm, yes. These are really good points! Thank you very much.
DeleteI like the opening line. I suggest a bit of tightening in your pitch. "Sixteen-year-old Valdís Pálsdóttir and her best friend Sven Jonsson aren’t heroes. But when they witness, and miraculously survive, the killing mists’ return from legend, they refuse to live like prisoners while the mists come and go, asphyxiating anyone caught in the open. - We don't need the second mention that they are best friends and you don't need to repeat "killing" every time you mention mists. Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much! I really appreciate the feedback :)
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