tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post4667348584682081956..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #29: DEFENDER OF THE KINGDOMMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-81191870084138907542014-02-22T00:55:10.428-05:002014-02-22T00:55:10.428-05:00LOL on your opening line. Maybe a little more Elai...LOL on your opening line. Maybe a little more Elaina flavor in the pitch- your funny tone from the first line-<br />Good luck!noel elisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05782111159348994152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-12954455756181712552014-02-21T17:00:50.955-05:002014-02-21T17:00:50.955-05:00I also loved the opening line. Your first sentence...I also loved the opening line. Your first sentence of your query is a bit of mouthful. Can you break it up a bit? I think you could put a period after Pimpernel, get rid of 'as' and start another sentence with fifteen-year-old etc. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-42623393762580736822014-02-20T18:08:33.863-05:002014-02-20T18:08:33.863-05:00I echo the comments about the pitch but gotta chim...I echo the comments about the pitch but gotta chime in and say the first line is HILARIOUS. Great opening hook. Pulls me right in!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-88545010745845202762014-02-20T07:43:54.547-05:002014-02-20T07:43:54.547-05:00What I like: Interesting mesh – ‘Cinderella meets ...What I like: Interesting mesh – ‘Cinderella meets the Scarlet Pimpernel’<br /><br />What I would like: I would love for the pitch to be less vague so I can see more of what makes the story unique. And another vote for more voice!<br /><br />Great work!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-71572086930699651152014-02-19T18:29:38.242-05:002014-02-19T18:29:38.242-05:00I agree with Rebecca. You're pitch does not do...I agree with Rebecca. You're pitch does not do your first sentence justice. You might try writing the pitch in first-person, as if Elaina was writing a friend/agent/publisher, then translate that into 3rd person trying to keep as much of Elaina's voice as possible.Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-25002205056627496812014-02-19T14:02:14.703-05:002014-02-19T14:02:14.703-05:00Your first sentence is absolutely hilarious - love...Your first sentence is absolutely hilarious - loved it, loved it, loved it! In contrast, I felt the pitch was a little generic. There are lots of stories about brave young women saving kingdoms; I want to see what makes your heroine and your kingdom different. I also liked the idea of Cinderella meets the Scarlet Pimpernel, but I wasn't sure if it fit your plotline - I was picturing something like a seemingly downtrodden servant girl secretly dons outrageous disguises to save innocent victims from the gallows of the usurper king (which maybe is what happens). So I'd make the connections between your mash-up description and the plot description clearer.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11041461048761520454noreply@blogger.com