Title: Blake: Keeper of Secrets
Genre: Upper Middle Grade Adventure/Magical Realism
Pitch:
Twelve-year-old Blake Wolf holds Ms. Sheryl’s fate in his hands, and that’s a problem. Blake has a hard time talking to grown-ups. Whenever he tries, he breaks out in a sweat, breathes like Darth Vader, and usually wakes up on a cot in the nurse’s office at school.
When his dad dies of cancer, Blake is thrown into his position as the town’s Keeper of Secrets. Blake doesn’t believe it at first. I mean, who would? An old curse giving bodies to peoples’ secrets sounds pretty crazy. But when he sees the long, black shadows in his closet, he believes. His job is to unbind Secrets from their owners by listening to them. Pressing against Blake, they whisper the townspeople’s secrets.
They tell of a plot to kill Ms. Sheryl. Armed with this advanced knowledge, it’s up to Blake to stop the crime. But can he do it?
First Sentence:
Icicles dripped all around me.
This has a really interesting plot idea. Having to listen to the townspeople's secrets and what not. I think you could tighten this a bit by getting rid of the first paragraph and just adding the fear of adults in near the end for a bit of conflict. But this sounds really cool :)
ReplyDeleteThis might be a bit stronger if you started with the information in the second paragraph -- the thing about Blake getting so nervous around adults that he passes out doesn't make a lot of sense at the beginning. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ellie and Mary. I also think the transition from paragraph 1 and 2 is hard to make b/c you go from humorous to cancer, which bumped me out of the pitch. Still, the premise is very interesting. I just think your voice is a bit inconsistent b/c of the jump from humor to death and secrets.
ReplyDeleteWhat I like: I love ‘breathes like Darth Vader’ –such a cute line, but I do agree that with others that the paragraphs are too different.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: I had to re-read bits in the second paragraph- I feel like the writing could be smoothed out a little to make things clearer.
Great work!
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions! It takes a lot of time to read and comment on these pitches, but I truly appreciate it. You have helped make my next pitch stronger!
ReplyDeleteGreat comments here already. Gotta say that I love the humor in the earlier part of the pitch, and also the creepiness that, well, creeps in later. I agree that the second paragraph needs smoothing out, but I love the simplicity of the first line and how it pulls us right into the moment. I immediately want to know where the character is, so you've hooked my interest already. Well done! :)
ReplyDeleteI think this premise sounds fantastic. I agree with others that the second paragraph is where you should start. As for your last paragraph to tighten perhaps cut "armed with advanced knowledge" and combine your first sentence with the second.
ReplyDeleteI love the humor and the character that shines through in your pitch. However, I agree with those above that reordering your information would really tighten this up.
ReplyDeleteCreepy and fun - love it. Best of luck!
I wish my opinion held more weight, because I want to see this book published. I read the manuscript in our critique group and my middle grade son was reading over my shoulder. "Scroll back, Mom," he told me, "I'm not finished!"
ReplyDeleteGood Luck Lisa, and I hope you make it to the next round.
Thanks, Jen! I appreciate it! Your opinion and comments have been so valuable to me!
DeleteI love how your humor comes through, even though we know Blake's dad dies and there's a very spooky element to the book.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone who suggested starting with the second paragraph. I know what happens to poor Ms. Sheryl if Blake doesn't succeed...but what are the stakes for Blake? Of course he'd feel awful if someone died and he might have had the power to stop it, but will something bad happen to him as well?
Consider getting rid of 'I mean, who would?' It's kind of jarring. You could also streamline a bit--the part that he doesn't believe it at first doesn't have to be here because you can merge that into the crazy line. So it could look something like this:
When his dad dies of cancer, Blake is thrown into his position as the town’s Keeper of Secrets. An old curse giving bodies to peoples’ secrets sounds pretty crazy...until Blake sees long, black shadows in his closet.
Love, love, love your suggestions! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it!
DeleteInteresting premise! Have to agree with above comments- paragraph two sounds like a better opener for the query. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDelete