tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post9056456052098345388..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #8: BLAKE: KEEPER OF SECRETSMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-38384973360531815922014-02-22T00:09:32.294-05:002014-02-22T00:09:32.294-05:00Interesting premise! Have to agree with above com...Interesting premise! Have to agree with above comments- paragraph two sounds like a better opener for the query. Best of luck to you! noel elisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05782111159348994152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-15719031154240009922014-02-21T23:54:31.454-05:002014-02-21T23:54:31.454-05:00Love, love, love your suggestions! Thank you so mu...Love, love, love your suggestions! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06805964315324587967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-59552331644394131532014-02-21T23:23:09.145-05:002014-02-21T23:23:09.145-05:00I love how your humor comes through, even though w...I love how your humor comes through, even though we know Blake's dad dies and there's a very spooky element to the book. <br /><br />I agree with everyone who suggested starting with the second paragraph. I know what happens to poor Ms. Sheryl if Blake doesn't succeed...but what are the stakes for Blake? Of course he'd feel awful if someone died and he might have had the power to stop it, but will something bad happen to him as well? <br /><br />Consider getting rid of 'I mean, who would?' It's kind of jarring. You could also streamline a bit--the part that he doesn't believe it at first doesn't have to be here because you can merge that into the crazy line. So it could look something like this:<br />When his dad dies of cancer, Blake is thrown into his position as the town’s Keeper of Secrets. An old curse giving bodies to peoples’ secrets sounds pretty crazy...until Blake sees long, black shadows in his closet. Mindy Alyse Weisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08771641311473178834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-36406091317914602692014-02-21T22:15:33.205-05:002014-02-21T22:15:33.205-05:00Thanks, Jen! I appreciate it! Your opinion and com...Thanks, Jen! I appreciate it! Your opinion and comments have been so valuable to me!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06805964315324587967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-15365775547881705562014-02-21T21:57:30.793-05:002014-02-21T21:57:30.793-05:00I wish my opinion held more weight, because I want...I wish my opinion held more weight, because I want to see this book published. I read the manuscript in our critique group and my middle grade son was reading over my shoulder. "Scroll back, Mom," he told me, "I'm not finished!"<br />Good Luck Lisa, and I hope you make it to the next round. JEN Garretthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11223454346963493011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-41809744315675519912014-02-21T15:37:01.529-05:002014-02-21T15:37:01.529-05:00I love the humor and the character that shines thr...I love the humor and the character that shines through in your pitch. However, I agree with those above that reordering your information would really tighten this up. <br /><br />Creepy and fun - love it. Best of luck!Deana J Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02399341150899559662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-56001803750497496892014-02-21T12:22:44.767-05:002014-02-21T12:22:44.767-05:00I think this premise sounds fantastic. I agree wit...I think this premise sounds fantastic. I agree with others that the second paragraph is where you should start. As for your last paragraph to tighten perhaps cut "armed with advanced knowledge" and combine your first sentence with the second. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-47853984158262199862014-02-20T23:43:20.872-05:002014-02-20T23:43:20.872-05:00Great comments here already. Gotta say that I love...Great comments here already. Gotta say that I love the humor in the earlier part of the pitch, and also the creepiness that, well, creeps in later. I agree that the second paragraph needs smoothing out, but I love the simplicity of the first line and how it pulls us right into the moment. I immediately want to know where the character is, so you've hooked my interest already. Well done! :)Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-43461328919157076342014-02-20T18:13:31.372-05:002014-02-20T18:13:31.372-05:00Thank you all for your comments and suggestions! I...Thank you all for your comments and suggestions! It takes a lot of time to read and comment on these pitches, but I truly appreciate it. You have helped make my next pitch stronger! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06805964315324587967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-4901053585638459802014-02-20T06:09:10.686-05:002014-02-20T06:09:10.686-05:00What I like: I love ‘breathes like Darth Vader’ –s...What I like: I love ‘breathes like Darth Vader’ –such a cute line, but I do agree that with others that the paragraphs are too different.<br /><br />What I would like: I had to re-read bits in the second paragraph- I feel like the writing could be smoothed out a little to make things clearer.<br /><br />Great work!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-4149549499906897712014-02-19T17:58:50.597-05:002014-02-19T17:58:50.597-05:00I agree with Ellie and Mary. I also think the tran...I agree with Ellie and Mary. I also think the transition from paragraph 1 and 2 is hard to make b/c you go from humorous to cancer, which bumped me out of the pitch. Still, the premise is very interesting. I just think your voice is a bit inconsistent b/c of the jump from humor to death and secrets.Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-90089638529192257562014-02-19T15:55:02.170-05:002014-02-19T15:55:02.170-05:00This might be a bit stronger if you started with t...This might be a bit stronger if you started with the information in the second paragraph -- the thing about Blake getting so nervous around adults that he passes out doesn't make a lot of sense at the beginning. Good luck!Maryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06940487957045564029noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-26861130009994589692014-02-19T15:22:13.852-05:002014-02-19T15:22:13.852-05:00This has a really interesting plot idea. Having to...This has a really interesting plot idea. Having to listen to the townspeople's secrets and what not. I think you could tighten this a bit by getting rid of the first paragraph and just adding the fear of adults in near the end for a bit of conflict. But this sounds really cool :)Elliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17213406441675013527noreply@blogger.com