Title: THE SHUVANI'S SPELL
Genre: middle grade fantasy
Pitch:
In the land of Velkenshire, magic use by Wanderers is illegal. When thirteen year old LUMIN DONATO accidentally transforms a charm bracelet into gold coins and uses them to buy food for her starving family, the city guard arrests her. Her father, PA DONATO, offers to serve the jail sentence in her place, making Lumin the sole caretaker of her blind younger brother, OLEK.
Learning that Pa has been transferred to PRINCE JARRON's dungeon and will be executed with other Wanderers as a warning, Lumin seeks the aid of the legendary Shuvanis, or witches, who are rumored to be in hiding. With her own powers growing, Lumin discovers she's a Shuvani like her mother. But even if she finds them, will they be able to help Lumin master her magical gifts and save Pa?
THE SHUVANI’S SPELL, a middle grade fantasy, is complete at 45,000 words.
First sentence:
No one expects to be duped by the blind beggar child with tears welling in his eyes, so while Olek distracts the unsuspecting merchant woman with his well practiced act, I strike like a viper, swiping a trinket or bauble from the wares strewn across the counter and slip it into my hip bag.
Thanks for sharing your pitch and first line. Here's a couple thoughts:
ReplyDelete1) I'd start with the second line. Get right to your character and problem. Also, you might trim the line to sharpen it. For example:
When thirteen year old LUMIN DONATO transforms a bracelet into gold coins and buys food for her starving family, the city guard attempts to arrest her for using illegal magic.
Notice, I cut out a lot of extra words, but left in the essential parts (from my perspective). Also, I added the part about using magic to replace the lost information from cutting the first sentence.
2) One problem with the third sentence is readers will wonder why the guards would accept this swap? Does the father bribe the guards? Is the father someone they've been wanting to arrest? Something else? Once you answer this question, I'd rewrite the third sentence so that it is more explicit of this point. For example:
Her father, unwilling to lose her, bribes the guards and takes her place, making Lumin promise to care for her blind younger brother, Olek.
3) What are wanderers? If you can find a way to be specific about this... it will help the reader understand your pitch better. Are all magic users Wanderers? Or are Wanderers like gypsies? Are they a certain caste in society? Clarity here will help the rest of the pitch.
4) Why is Pa transferred? Why are Wanderers being executed? If it's bad to be a Wanderer, then why aren't Lumin and Olek taken with Pa just for existing?
5) Shuvanis... do you need this term in the pitch? Or should you just use witches? Sometimes dropping cool names in a pitch can cause confusion for the reader. Although, you do clarify the term right away (unlike Wanderers) so I can see a case for keeping the term.
6) I wonder if you might want to break up your first sentence. Middle grade readers can be turned off by overly long sentences. Not always, but sometimes. Why risk turning any of them off? Why not go with a few shorter sentences? For example:
No one expects to be duped by the blind beggar child, which is why my brother is makes such a good decoy. While his tears distract the merchant woman, I strike, like a viper, and swipe a trinket from the wares strewn across her counter. In a blink, I slip the bauble into my hip bag and its ours.
Note: I broke the sentence up into smaller chunks to help the reader digest each action. I really love "No one expects to be duped by the blind beggar child." It has such character... it reveals something about both Lumin and Olek. So I really wanted the first sentence to focus on that. As for the other sentences, I thought focusing on the tears like the merchant woman would be a good way to mimic the distraction, then finally putting away the bauble... and calling it "ours" brings home that she is a thief, but not for selfish reasons.
Anyway, I hope my comments help you with your pitch and first line. I like the ideas behind your story and I hope you move onto the next rounds so I can see more.
What I like: The names are really fun, but I don’t think they should be capitalized.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: The first sentence needs to be broken up.
Great work!
Interesting concept here. I would use fewer proper names in the pitch (and yes, capitalization isn't needed), avoid rhetorical questions at all costs, and clarify things as suggested by the first commenter. The first line is so long my brain rebels halfway through. Start with a punch, not a drawl, and you'll hook more readers. :)
ReplyDeleteA lot of great advice dispensed so far. I really like Joseph's suggestion in point 1 and 2. I agree with Kimberly cut some names such as Pa Donato at this point Pa is suffice. I think some over all tightening will make this query shine. We don't need to know about the dungeon or the name just that her Pa will be executed. And I'm not sure why Lumin is the only one to rescue him. Will others not help her? What makes her perfect for the job? I do liked the concept and would read on.
ReplyDeleteSome truly excellent advice dispensed above. And I strongly agree that your first sentence of your book needs to be broken up. I'd also like to see some of what Lumin wants rather than just what she has to do. Does she want to be like her mother, a witch with developing powers? Bringing the character's personal motivation will help strengthen this.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun concept and that you've done a lot of work to really develop your story's world. Best of luck!
This is a great concept. Has a nice feel to it. For me the pitch needs to be simplified. There's too many names mentioned. Pitches should be limited to one or two names. I felt it needed to be tightened up and have done a redraft below.
ReplyDeleteAs a Wanderer, it’s illegal for thirteen-year-old Lumin Donato to use magiv. So when she accidently transforms a charm bracelet into gold coins and uses them to buy food for her starving family, she is arrested. Her father offers to serve the jail sentence in her place, making Lumin the sole caretaker of her blind, younger brother.
Learning that her father will be executed with other Wanderers as a warning, Lumin knows she must rescue him. When her own powers continue to grow, she realizes she’s like her mother, a legendary witch known as a Shuvani. Unable to master her powers alone, Lumin seeks the aid of the Shuvanis, who are rumored to be in hiding. But even if she finds them, will they be able to help Lumin master her magical gifts and save her father?