Wednesday, February 19, 2014



Genre: YA horror


17-year-old Dallas Langdon loves zombie movies. But when she sees a girl eating a man's intestines, her night on the town becomes a night of the living dead.

Dallas knows to seek shelter, and her uncle's isolated mountain farmhouse is perfect. Her parents, still safe at home, laugh at her over the phone. Her friends agree to go because they'll probably miss school Monday.

But then Dallas's best friend is killed by a zombie horde attracted to her ringing cell phone. Civilians think their reanimated loved ones simply have the flue, leaving them alive and rapidly increasing the zombie ranks. And since minors can't buy guns, Dallas's only weapon is a giant industrial pizza cutter she swipes from a gas station. George A. Romero never mentioned anything like this. With no zombie survival guides to help, Dallas and her friends must reach the farmhouse before developing a taste for flesh themselves.

First sentence:

Two hours before Dallas Langdon saw the first zombie, she sat in an uncomfortable chair backstage at the House of Blues in New Orleans. 


  1. I love this pitch! The first paragraph caught me right away. Nice job!

    A couple small suggestions:
    In the second paragraph, you might make it clearer that she is begging her loved ones to follow her to the farmhouse. I had to read this a couple times to follow what was happening. (I know word count is an issue, but you are obviously a skilled writer. I think you'll figure out a way.)
    In the third paragraph, I'm not sure whose cell phone was ringing, the friend or Dallas? Also, I'm not seeing the way this line ties in with the rest of the paragraph. Does something about the friend's death convince Dallas's loved ones to follow her to the farmhouse?

    I love the pizza cutter! This sounds like a great read. Good luck!

  2. What I like: Some of the sentences are really fun!

    What I would like: There is a lot of jumping in subject in the last passage- best friend, civilians, Dallas- making it a bit hard to keep up. Also, possible pronoun confusion here: ‘Civilians think their reanimated loved ones simply have the flue, leaving them alive and rapidly increasing the zombie ranks.’ And ‘flu’ should be spelt without the ‘e.’

    Great work!

  3. I think this premise would certainly attract a fan base! Some of the sentence are really fun, and clearly show your voice. While I like the pitch, I think your first line could be a bit punchier, especially considering what the book is about. Good luck!

  4. This sounds like such a fun story but I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief here. She abandons her family, convinces her friends to go to the mountains with her, and everyone else in the town thinks the zombies (who are apparently killing people) are just flu victims. Perhaps the story is credible once you read it, but the pitch doesn't have enough detail for me to believe your character's motivations. And the first line didn't work for me, I'm afraid. Instead of pulling me into the present moment of the story, it tells me that the story doesn't REALLY start for another two hours. I get the temptation to mention the word zombie in the first line, but I think you're cheating yourself out of really hooking your reader into the story by trying to cram that in. This is an awesome concept and I think you can do even more with your pitch and first line. :) Good luck!

  5. Oh how I love a good zombie tale, and this sounds like fun!! Your first para of your pitch is great, and sets a good tone for the rest. But I have to agree with those above that the next two paragraphs become slightly confusing, and its hard to suspend disbelief in terms of people assuming undead relations just have the flu (seconding Eliza on the no 'e'). Also, Dallas' likability is challenged by the way the pitch makes it sound easy for her to ditch her family - though I'm sure this isn't the case in your book. If you can shift some of the focus away from the big issues and onto what Dallas wants, that could help tighten this up.

    Best of luck!!


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