Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #16: BECOMING HOOK

Title: Becoming Hook

Genre: YA Fantasy/Fairytale Pre-telling

Pitch:

When sixteen year old James Allison (Jas) joins her Uncle Blackbeard’s crew, she has a plan: Find treasure and start a new life, putting living as a boy behind her. But when conniving Tinkerbell strands them in dangerous Neverland and a flying boy stabs Blackbeard with a poisoned knife, instead of searching for treasure, it’s a cure. Captured by by Peter and the Lost Boys, all seems lost – until a native, Tiger Lily, offers help. In exchange, Jas and the pirates must never return. Their journey leads to friendship and something Jas can’t deny – she’s falling in love. As talk of war between the Indians and pirates brews, they race to find the cure amid interference from psychotic Peter. It’s jealousy that drives Jas and Peter towards battle and it’s love that will tear Neverland apart. Jas must decide: Become the pirate she was meant to be or lose everything.

First sentence:

The long bandage squeezes my breasts but I pull it tighter – until the binding digs in and pinches my skin as the ship creeks, mocking my frustration.

8 comments:

  1. What I like: Peter Pan is in the Public Domain! *the more you know* I love Peter Pan so right there you have we Hooked (I kid, I kid). Also lol @ ‘psychotic Peter’

    What I would like: Who is she falling in love with? The way it comes in makes it seem like Tiger Lily, (which, I WISH!)

    Great work!

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    Replies
    1. It is with Tiger Lily! Maybe I'll add LGTB to the "Genre" label.

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  2. Very interesting! I'd totally read this. The romance is a bit confusing though. Not sure if Jas falls in love with Tiger Lilly or Peter. Or Tiger Lilly and Peter are in love? Maybe make that a bit more clear, either way this sounds really cool!

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    Replies
    1. It is with Tiger Lily! Maybe I'll add LGTB to the "Genre" label.

      Delete
  3. Yay! Peter Pan theme! Love it!

    Definitely clarifying the falling in love issue. That'll go a long way. And the first line needs paring down. Too much going on in one sentence and the beginning of the sentence already grabs my attention. I'd cut it short after "skin." :) Good luck!

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  4. I so love the concept. Perhaps pair down your sentences so they contain only the information we need to know. For example we don't need to know both James name and her nickname just pick one. Perhaps cut "putting living as boy behind her." Perhaps tweak this sentence a bit "Instead of searching for treasure she searches for a cure. "It's a cure" doesn't make sense. Good luck with this. I would really love to see this story at the bookstore.

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  5. Really fun concept - love the Peter Pan angle! I have to agree with Rena's comments above, clarifying your middle sentences will go a long way to nailing down your pitch.

    Best of luck!

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