Title: NEOPHYTE
Pitch:
After sacrificing her life to save a friend, Addisyn's angelic afterlife should be all clouds, halos, and harps. But her guardian angels are shielding her from a well of secrets deep enough to drown the entire west coast. There’s also a mysterious dark-winged angel trying to manipulate her into inciting a war between the uncorrupted Light angels and the Fallen, angels who have turned away from their brethren out of resentment and self-indulgence.
With her new family hiding her destiny to prevent her from Falling, and an enemy who is more than happy to exploit her ignorance, Addi is on her own to find the truth and prove the future isn't predetermined. If she can't, the two clashing worlds will collide in an epic battle that could very well destroy everything. May God help us all.
First Sentence:
Honestly, they must have thought I was going to throw a celestial-sized rager the minute they left me alone.
Love the new and improved first sentence! This clarity of this pitch is so good, and I'd love to read it based off this. Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'd love to read yours too!!!!
DeleteI LOVE the new first line- great voice. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say, my mouth dropped when I read this. It came out of nowhere! I thought, wait, I didn't remember reading this last time. Our MS sound like they are very different, yet have a lot in common, which I am going to suggest means WE ARE AWESOME :) That being said, I'd obviously read this.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this. Your voice in both the pitch and the first line is wonderful, and comes through so clearly. I also think the premise is great. My only suggestion would be to use an em dash in the first paragraph. (..."uncorrupted Light angels and the Fallen--angels who have turned away from their brethren out of resentment and self-indulgence.")
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I think this is fantastic, and I would definitely want to read it. (And I know my 15 year old daughter would LOVE this too!!) Great job! Good luck! =)
I love that this is a story about angels! The Light Angels vs. The Fallen Angels reminds me a little bit of a book I read by Erin Kellison; I believe it was Shadow Fall??? Anyway, your writing paints a picture for me, which is fantastic. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteJudge's Comments: "Love the first sentence! There seem to be a lot of different conflicts at play in the pitch, and in such a short space, it's hard to parse what elements I should care about. It might help to only focus on one -- don't worry about explaining everything, just pick the most intriguing part and highlight that."
ReplyDelete"I had a hard time getting past the angel and demon war being overdone. I do like the celestial reference in the opening line. I also like that the adults are keeping something from the MC. Very teen!"