Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #80: THE MYSTERIOUS MANDOLIN

Title: The Mysterious Mandolin 

Genre: MG fantasy


Pitch: 


All Mathelda ever wanted was to be as beautiful as her stepsister Rosalynn. Her wish finally comes true, but only as part of a murderous plan schemed by her mother, Dethdemona.  After Rosalynn’s death, Mathelda gets more than she’d ever dreamed of—beauty, riches, and soon even the crown, but only under the condition that she never speaks, for her voice would give her away. All is well, until the king asks Mathelda to sing him a song.
 
First Sentence: 

King Henry’s horses ran as if they could feel their master’s victory in every muscle.

10 comments:

  1. Even though your names are a mouthful, I love this pitch! I feel like your first sentence isn't connected to the query though. Maybe start it with Mathelda's wish to be beautiful? Just a thought. Good luck!

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  2. I've been told to limit names in a query. I would drop the Mother's name as we don't need to know it for the query to make sense. Perhaps also cut "for her voice would give her away" as I think it weakens the sentence. It's enough that we know she can't speak again. What is at stake if she speaks? Will she lose everything? Give us a hint what is at stake if she talks. Good luck!

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  3. Your first line is lovely, but I feel like I want a bit more detail in the pitch. Why would Mathilda's voice give her away? What sort of plan did Dethdemona concoct? The answers don't have to be elaborate, but I think a few more hints as to the underlying plot would help me connect with this a bit more.

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  4. I agree with the other comments abut the names. There are too many, and so many with "th" in them. That said, I believe this is a cool story. Sort of a twist on The Little Mermaid. Sort of. And I love your first line!

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  5. I'm a bit worried about the first line as it nearly takes the point of view of the horses. If I read further, I would be very critical of POV.

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  6. I'm kind of confused about the singing part. She can't talk, and it's not like she can just get way with no on realizing she can't talk anymore (there have probably been moments where people have tried to talk to her) So how is him asking her to sing any worse?

    I'm also wondering about age here. MG is usually about MG age characters but you say she got "the crown" which to be means she married the king or prince, which doesn't really seem very MG to me. I get that its a fairy tale, but I'm not sure how that would work in today's market.

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  7. There's something really intriguing here, but I agree with the comments above. Some clarification is needed and I wonder about the age categorization as well. Good luck!

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  8. What I like: The idea of her having her sister’s life is totally intriguing.

    What I would like: I need to see more and higher stakes – the problem for me here is I think, ‘so she doesn’t sing for him. Simple.” – I just don’t get a sense of peril.

    Great job!

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  9. This comes across as a reverse fairytale and mixes a whole heap of elements I love. It's like Cinderella meets The Little Mermaid. Gorgeous. But it feels way more YA than MG too me. I also agree the stakes needs to be clearer.

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  10. I agree with the others, we need to see the stakes associated with being asked to sing for the king. And while I didn't count your words, it certainly looks like you've got room to add! Definitely use those extra words to show us the conflict.

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